Melbourne

Yeah, I'm pretty tough and try not to complain but this pain is debilitating. It has been for a very long time. It's been slowly and steadily worsening to the point I'm not really able to eat anymore, am in pain everyday like my guts are eating themselves and have gone from being borderline impacted at most times to constantly having the runs for no reason. Mostly bedbound at this point and the things I can do are severely diminished. This isn't even my main fucking disability. I am medically complex.

I've been seeking help for at least 15 years, closer to 20 now. I've taken the meds that are supposed to dull the pain. Had all the tests. I've done the liquid medical diets. Have admitted myself to emergency department repeatedly in the past, and have had drs/specialists be pretty rude and indifferent about it, telling me it's psychosomatic, or dismissing me as a drug seeker. I've been denied more tests by the gastroenterologists despite the last ones being 6 years ago and an important one being unsuccessful. Seeking a second opinion got me charged out the nose and handballed back. I've also been denied a J tube that would feed me abdominally.

This is unfortunately a common experience for chronically ill/chronic pain patients. But I'm going to have another crack at the hospital merry go round on Monday and hoping that having someone to back me up helps. Unfortunately Melbcat will have to go into temporary foster care which is so hard for me. (I can't explain to her what's happening, tell her not to be scared or reassure her that I'm coming back. And a run of bad luck means we weren't even able to get her to her vet appointment yet. Every single time we line one up something happens and it falls through.)

But this chronic severe pain and inability to eat is debilitating, it has been for a long time, and without being dramatic it is genuinely making me consider ending my life if it can't be controlled. I can't just keep doing this anymore.

I'm not expecting much though. The most likely outcome is waiting hours in the emergency department, experiencing more annoyed dismissive treatment, doing another round of tests just to find nothing, and going right back to trying to cope with and cover up the pain. Probably will have to come back here and tell you guys that nothing has been found or has changed.

I would undergo surgery if it would help but unfortunately it's high risk for poor results.

This is the disability/chronic pain experience I'm afraid, at least as a poor/public hospital patient. You eventually go in the too hard basket and start getting blamed. I don't know where to go to from here. There's a lot I want to live for but it's getting so bad that if it wasn't for Melbcat I would already have done it.

Ps. Please don't offer me suicide helplines. They're actually quite terrible.