Hey everyone, first time posting. Hoping there are others with similar experiences who can share insight, but at minimum I want to put my thoughts down.
I [29MtF] am pre-everything, but have accepted I am trans for the last 4 years with the understanding I would never transition. Continuing to live as a man in spite of myself seemed realistic. My dysphoria was never really that bad, so even though the idea of being a woman was amazing, I could always push it aside easily and continue with my life.
Sure, I would have bad days where dysphoria would get me down, thinking things like:
"Why can't I look like her? Why does it have to be such a big deal if I want to transition? Why would so many people hate me for being who I want to be?"
But as always, these times would come and go. I could grin and bear it, pressing on to another day.
My wife of 6 years is fantastic. I love her more than the day we were married, and we have a child on the way. In the past, I have been open with her about my general preference towards femininity. While she accepts this and loves me for it, I have never properly told her I think of myself as transgender. She and I both come from a background where being trans is considered wrong, and I know she still thinks that even though we are both supporting and accepting of our LGBTQ+ friends.
In the last year, one of my closest childhood friends told me he was gay. He and I regularly get drinks together, and mostly tell each other everything. When he came out to me, I told him I was trans. We have both been able to support each other, mostly as confidants while he deals with backlash from his family. I wish I could tell my wife as easily as I told my friend, but obviously that has more potential consequences.
The more time passes with me accepting who I am inside, the more natural it becomes to think of myself that way. This unfortunately has made dysphoria a more frequent and intense experience.
Additionally, there have been a handful of incredibly euphoric experiences I have had in the last year. My wife and I cosplayed a lesbian couple at a con this summer, which was the first time I dressed femme in public. Also, with my wife's pregnancy, I have been wearing some of her maternity clothes (shorts, sweatpants) around the house since those fit me surprisingly well. (Also justice for all of my hoodies she has claimed over the years)
I know for certain that transitioning would sever ties with almost all of my family and friends. Further, my wife would have a difficult time deciding what our future together would look like, assuming it continued at all. Despite her open mindedness, our shared religious beliefs would ultimately inform the outcome.
I wish it wasn't so hard to keep pretending. I'm just so tired.
Edit: Update
You say you know your wife thinks that being trans is wrong but are you so sure of that? Don't get me wrong I know loads of religious folk who think that, but how're you sure she thinks that? Has she said things that make you think she still believes what she did in the past?
I know if I was hiding something so fundamental to my existence I would eventually crack and things would explode. If I was to give advice I'd try to essentially probe what your wife currently thinks about trans folk. See how she currently thinks about things cause there are religious people out there who, once it's someone they know, are fine with things. Not a lot of them but they do exist. And at the end of the day, do you want to continue living a lie and hiding something so fundamental about yourself? Or do you want to take a leap of faith and finally manage to be yourself, despite having to possibly start over in some areas?
Being out is hard but there is nothing that can match being yourself in public. Plus, if someone loves you, actually loves you, they won't hate you because you're trans. And if they do hate you when you come out then they never loved you really. Good luck with your future, I hope you're able to come out and be yourself.
Thank you for this. I've asked her some probing questions, and I get a lot of uncertainty from her. Now that I'm writing that, uncertainty means she would have to doubt what she used to think. Seems obvious, but I'm only just realizing that.
I've read this before, but it's hitting me different now in a good way, I think. Thanks again.