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Joy in giving rejection - enjoying power over the situation and pleasure in rejecting their wants. It can also be relief due to the fear of intimacy or vulnerability brought by closeness. You may enjoy being a Dom in consensual control of your partner to a variable degree.
Sabotage of relationships - this can be more complex. This can be fear of being hurt because the people closest to you can hurt you the most or feelings of inadequacy because you snowball feelings of inadequacy with feelings of being a bad friend. Your social needs may be low, but higher than you have and that leaves you disappointed and wanting more.
Talk to a therapist. There are some things you need to work on, your willingness to anonymously ask these questions about yourself is a positive step in the right direction, but it would take very long discussions with an experienced council to navigate your history to find out what is the root problem to address in order for you to be happy with who you are and your relationships with others. I know a therapist is a stranger that you need to be the most vulnerable with and that is scary, but you need to resist the urge to run, they don't need to actually matter to you but they can help you find the version of yourself that has people that matter to you without pushing them away. Understand them as meaningful to you as strangers on the internet and giving them the vulnerability you need to give them in order to make progress will be easier. Start with discussing how you feel about being vulnerable with them and your relationship with them as a therapist.