this post was submitted on 03 Sep 2024
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When I was about seven, I wanted a Shetland pony but my parents were too poor to buy me one. Anyway one day I'm at a pony show, and in comes John Goodman between two horses at a fast trot. He talked with me and my parents about horse husbandry and marriage laws, not once letting go of the horse on either side of him. He was super chill and kept winking at me, and when the horn sounded, he bid us a cordial goodbye and galloped away with his horses on either side, jumping a fence along the way.
Oddly enough I once got hit by a car driven by John Goodman.
We lived in the same neighborhood while I was doing Norm and I never actually saw him but my lady neighbors wouldn't stop yammering about living near John and his red Porsche Carrera. I don't drive. I'm not afraid of cars or anything, I just don't care for 'em. I was walking to grab eggs before the grocery store closed one night -- this was back before everything was open 24/7 -- and I saw a red Carrera coming in the right lane but he had a red light and no turn signal on so I figured I could cross the street at the light no problem. Then I remembered that ol' Pacha himself drove a red Porsche and I thought I should ask for an autograph when he stopped. My son was a huge fan and would have got a kick out of it. There was a problem though. John turned right and barely slowed down before his windshield broke my fall.
He got out and started apologizing and I couldn't believe it was him. Living in the same neighborhood, working in the same circles, attending the same professional events, and I was to meet John after he nearly ran over me. When he got out of the car I was digging through my wallet for something he could sign for my son and he apologized and asked how much it would cost to keep the police out of the whole affair. I said I didn't want any money, just a signed picture or something. He kind of looked at me weird and asked why I wanted his autograph and then it hit me: It wasn't John. It didn't even look like him. Not one day goes by that I don't think about that old man and how much I want to punch him right in the fucking face.