Non-monogamy

cross-posted from: https://slrpnk.net/post/6147604

Marriage is not just an individual choice. In fact, it violates the principle of individual consent. A person may consent to get married in the first place, but once they are married, they cannot just change their mind, revoke their consent, and have the marriage end when they are no longer willing to be married. They have to get permission from the state to legally get a divorce. It is not based on the will of the participants alone, and they do not get to set all of the terms of their divorce, just like they didn’t get to set the legal terms of their marriage.

Archived Version

geteilt von: https://slrpnk.net/post/5690220

I dont like the text. Self control and love dont mix that well (for me). Also telling people they should not be polyamorous as if thats a choice for everybody is just not how that works for everybody.

Let me tell you, if you can’t exercise self-control, then there’s no way you should be polyamorous. All that lies down that path is pain, bad behavior, heartache, and disappointment.

Atchived Version

cross-posted from: https://slrpnk.net/post/5200545

The world is infinite, and so are we—no amount of living, no number or depth of interactions with others should be “enough” for any of us, just as no amount of interactions with a person you love will ever be “enough.” (To set borders on what another person can do or feel, as a condition for them to be able to receive my love and affection, goes against everything I believe as an anarchist and a human being; I want to trust others to know what they need, and never limit them—and I certainly don’t think my life will be any richer from the limitations I place on others). We have to free each other to be and become ourselves. This isn’t just about other lovers or sex partners or friends, it’s also about other undertakings, needs, even the desire for space and solitude—it’s heartbreaking how much of our selves our lovers often ask us to sacrifice to be with them.

Archived version

cross-posted from: https://slrpnk.net/post/4152443

The Couple splits us off from ourselves and the living web of relations, restricting care, material and emotional support, affection, and intimacy to this codependent unit. What we are calling ‘The Couple’ is only mutual control, management, and governance.

Archived Version

Also you can print this as a zine or listen to an audio book version, check out Ungrateful Hyenas Editions

cross-posted from: https://slrpnk.net/post/4152296

KC Clements, 29, is a relationship anarchist. Right on time for Valentine's Day, I picked his brain about what it all means and how the concept differs from other, better known forms of non-monogamy.

Archived Version

cross-posted from: https://slrpnk.net/post/4074033

YT Link

Apologies in advance for the wall of text. This is a bit of an involved story, but I suck at editing. Thanks in advance for reading the whole thing.

54M here. My long-standing marriage split up in 2019, for several reasons; one of the main reasons was the fact that the majority of our marriage was largely sexless. I decided at that time that I was not interested in another long-term monogamous relationship, nor one that did not include a sexual component. I've managed to have a few relationships since then, of varying lengths and levels of commitment.

Back in July I matched with a woman on Tinder. She identified as ENM and was kink-curious, like me. We hit it off right away. Had our first date a few days later, which culminated in some great sex. We spent a lot of the summer together, doing various things (simple hangouts, traditional dates, straight-up hookups, sleepovers). Along the way I sort of caught feelings a little bit, but I never pushed for anything beyond what we had in the moment. We both decided to just let things develop and see where they led.

A couple of weeks ago we had a discussion about where we were. She told me that she was really interested in looking for someone who could be more of a primary partner, but that we were not currently a good fit for that role. (I'm involved in some activities that limit my availability for weeks at a time, and I have adult children who live at home with me.) We haven't seen much of each other since that talk, but we've chatted nearly every day. She's currently dating someone who is also looking for a primary partner, and I've been supportive of her in this.

This past weekend she had a friend down for the weekend. He was supposed to come visit back in August but had to reschedule. After he left she and I talked. She had been hoping for some good sex but when the time came they ended up just snuggling and chatting. She told me she thought that they were probably just going to end up platonic snuggle buddies. She then surprised me by telling me that she also envisioned us as platonic snuggle buddies, and she wanted to deescalate the relationship. She said she likes thinking that sex could be on the table, but she's not really feeling the desire for it.

It's already been difficult adjusting to seeing her less; the thought that when I did see her the option of sex is foreclosed is really jarring. She's a little surprised, and perhaps hurt, that I could view the loss of sex as a dealbreaker in our relationship. I've noted that even if she's searching for a primary partner, she need not foreclose intimate relations with other partners; that's sort of what ENM is about, no? She points out that intimate relationships come in all shapes and sizes, and not all of them include sex. Which is true, but ours most certainly did, and I'm surprised that she's surprised I would be wary of continuing a relationship that's effectively been cut in half.

I really like this woman, and I don't like the idea of losing her from my life, but I honestly don't know how to handle this change in my relationship, or even if I should. How do I spend time with her, wanting to touch her, kiss her, fuck her, knowing that I can't?

I'm relatively new to the idea of ENM, so I put it out to those who have more experience for advice and perspective. Thanks again.

TLDR: Partner wishes to maintain a relationship with me, but without sex. I view sex as integral to our relationship. Should I make this adjustment? If so, how?

A while ago I noticed a problem in my polyamorous social circles, namely that some of the guys just are not doing that well, in terms of finding partners, dating, and generally succeeding at nonmonogamy. In particular, the guys who are new to nonmonogamy seem to make a lot of blunders. Sometimes these are spectacular and result in those guys giving up and going back to monogamy, but other times they seem to take the form of a steady failure to date, or a quickly cycling through relationships. Of course, there are plenty of men who take well to nonmonogamy (myself included), espcially those who have been doing it for a long time. That said, longevity is no guarantee of success – some of the frustrated guys at my recent class on this subject had been polyamorous for over a decade but could still not get their groove on. My hope with the discussions below is that they will help other guys hopscotch past a lot of the conceptual traps that hold us back.

Archived Version

cross-posted from: https://slrpnk.net/post/2505921

Early on in my journey to understand my aspec identity, I came across the concept of queerplatonic relationships. As a baby aro, I found the concept of a relationship that is committed and intimate while also being wholly platonic incredibly liberating. Because of social programming, the thought that I could have intimacy and affection in a relationship without romance and sex had never occurred to me. I immediately knew that a QPR is something I wanted, and this started the long process of unlearning many of the social scripts I grew up with. As this process of deprogramming progressed and I opened my mind to what an interpersonal relationship is and what it can be, I eventually settled on relationship anarchy as the primary conceptualization scheme through which I understand the relationships in my life. However, as I began navigating relationships through the lens of relationship anarchy, the concept of a queerplatonic relationship started to become less and less intuitive to me, and I began to realize that the concept doesn’t necessarily map well to my conceptual model of relationships.

Archived Version

cross-posted from: https://slrpnk.net/post/2135228

Like many minority populations, relationship anarchists are no strangers to in-group fighting, and what does and does not “count” as relationship anarchy is a subject of spirited social-media debate among the thousands of members of RA Facebook groups — Nordgren’s term (and its subsequent adherents) appears to be little more than a decade old. To learn more about what relationship anarchy is like, the Cut spoke to two people who define their partnership (and their other partnerships) by these terms. Kelli is a 34-year-old trans nonbinary person who uses they/them pronouns, and Aviva is a 35-year-old queer, genderqueer lesbian who uses she/her pronouns.

archived version

cross-posted from: https://slrpnk.net/post/1882948

Insightful text on relationship anarchy with a focus on an asexual and/or aromantic perspective

What relationship anarchy hinges on the most, for me, is the equality it seeks to create across the relationship board, so that sexual relationships are not superior to nonsexual relationships and “romantic” relationships are not superior to nonromantic friendships, and that equality means that a nonsexual and/or nonromantic friend has the same amount of access to love, intimacy, physical affection, support, etc.

archived version

cross-posted from: https://slrpnk.net/post/1794543

archived version

I'm not necessarily the best placed person to mod this community, but I wanted a place to talk about the broader world of ENM, and not just polyamory. (No shade on my poly friends out there, though!)