pixeltree

Yeah, I know my view of reality isn't accurate. Doesn't make things easier to handle but it's why I'm still handling them. At the worst of times I'm just living for the sake of other people which while it keeps me here can also be really frustrating -- it's like other people are holding themselves hostage against my nonexistence. I do talk about it with some friends that are already that close. I honestly kind of credit one of them with saving my life in June, though she doesn't know it. It just feels like life keeps pulling blocks from the jenga tower that I am and there's not many left before I collapse.

Sorry for laying this on you.

Before anyone comes along telling me I should get professional help, I have. I'm in therapy and on antidepressants. Antidepressants help but they're like health regen, if I get chunked I still have to deal with being low on health for a while. And therapy... It helped and is helping but the last five months have been so so terrible it's undone all the progress I made and I'm struggling to not give up. I see the thinking patterns that are wrong and where how I feel differs from the reality of my situation but it takes so much effort to break out of those patterns and I'm struggling to care enough to try. All the help in the world can't change your thoughts and perceptions for you.

I do try to keep myself safe. I deliberately have avoided setting anything up that I could use to send notes on a delay and have avoided setting up/working on/looking into/sourcing parts for the method I would use, so when it gets that bad it forces me to take a lot of time and effort and buys me time for things to improve a bit. I'm just worried that someday it'll be so bad I won't care about a painless method or leaving without saying goodbye to the people who care about me. I think it's probably inevitable, but that's a self fulfilling prophecy and one of those feelings that I know isn't accurate, though that doesn't make it any easier to handle.

I just keep editing this comment trying to make it more positive and it keeps backfiring, sorry.

On the bright side, things can't get too much worse. I quit my job so it's no longer triggering depressive crashes and there's not too many more unexpected expenses left that could happen. I already have had to replace my phone and car since I quit and both the cost of insurance and the cost of therapy are doubling. My grandmother's died too since I've quit. So, there's not really anything left to make things much worse! Well, getting horribly sick or injured before new insurance kicks in but not going anywhere or doing anything makes injury and illness extremely unlikely. So, things should be pretty stable for the immediate future. I might even see friends in person again for the first time in months!

Never heard of any drama or negativity coming out of there! Though I also don't go looking for it

Yeah, there's accurate insulting things to call her that aren't put downs about fucking someone. That said, if she was railing against adultery, the hypocrisy would make it fair game to me tbh. This isn't a "don't stoop to their level" thing, it's a "this is just entirely unrelated to everything that makes her a terrible terrible human being" thing

Honestly Lemmy has terrible gender relations, not worse than some of the subreddits though

Just because I want to die doesn't mean I should drag friends and family down with me

Stressing them the hell out about my well-being just makes life worse for them and piles guilt on me

If/when I do kill myself I want none of them to know it was acutely that bad because then no one can blame themselves for not doing anything to stop it

Letting anyone that close to me would purely be doing them a massive disservice

World has the problem of being the default, ml has the problem of being tankie central. Blahaj zone is by far the best for queer people imo. Some people still have problems with Ada the main admin but she does her damnedest to be fair and transparent imo, and you'll never please everyone.

Depressed and horny are my two states of existence. You want depressed butthole pics, I got you covered

Yeah. Fail enough and you realize it hurts less to give up.

Tbh it's not something I've tried but I want to

Ooo sure! Always happy to pass on knowledge! First and foremost, materials! Many materials commonly used for cheap sex toys aren't safe for anal use. TPU, TPE, and PVC being among the worse. Low quality silicone can also be dangerous. These basically are carcinogens when used anally, your butt is literally designed to absorb everything it can. I'm in the US, and there's no regulation on sex toy materials here, so it's perfectly legal to sell toys that give you ass cancer. I'm assuming from your lemmy instance you're from the netherlands or somewhere in europe, so the legality where you are may vary, but it's something you really need to look out for. The materials that are butt safe are steel, glass, and platinum cure or medical grade silicone. Platinum cure silicone literally uses platinum as an ingredient in the curing process, so it's a bit more expensive, but unlike tin cure silicone it doesn't break down over time. It will last you forever, as long as you don't do something to destroy it.

Next up, lube! Good lube is really important to a good experience. There's three main categories, water based, oil based, and silicone based. Water based is the easiest to clean up, washes off easily, and lasts the least amount of time. Oil based is harder to clean up, can stain, but still washes off without too much trouble and lasts longer. Silicone lube is damn difficult to clean up, can ruin silicone toys, but pretty much never dries out. For water based lube, I recommend getting it powdered (xLube or kLube) and mixing it with water yourself. It's far cheaper than buying premixed stuff, and you can control how thick it is, which is nice. xLube is easier to get in europe, kLube is easier to get in the US. This is my general go-to stuff. Oil based lube is ideal for use in the shower and when you're using butt plugs for long periods of time. It doesn't wash away instantly like water based lube does but isn't hard to clean off with soap. I use coconut oil for this, you can get it at your local grocery store cheap. It can come as a liquid or a solid, personally I like the solid stuff--it melts easily with body heat. I honestly don't recommend using silicone lube for the most part, for toying at least. it has the potential to ruin silicone toys, depending on the specifics of the toy and the lube and is such a pain to clean up. If you get it in the carpet, it's pretty much impossible to completely get out. For fucking people instead of toys it's better, you don't need to worry about reapplying it or ruining your toys. It's also good if you want to use a chastity device, to keep everything from chafing.

Finally, toys! There's 4 or 5 things that really are the cause of pleasure in a toy. Girth at your butthole, girth at your inner band or sigmoid (depending on depth), texture, length, and depending on your biology, prostate stimulation. Texture is one of the most important qualities and can make or break a toy. What you want really depends on the other qualities of the toy. A toy made from firm silicone will make you feel the texture a lot more than one made from soft silicone. Similarly, a toy that's a lot closer to the girth limit you can take will make you feel the texture a lot more. A firm toy that's close to your limit that has rough texture just won't feel that good.

A small aside to talk about anatomy--You have 3 main sphincters more or less accessible in your ass. There's your anus, the outer one. There's a muscle that's not quite a sphincter but performs basically the same function known as the inner band that divides your rectum in two, and then there's the sigmoid sphincter, which seperates your rectum from your large intestine. Understanding what you want for a toy in terms of girth and depth are dependent on these. Your outer anus is generally stretchier than your inner band--something that you can easily take shallowly can be a challenge to work in deeper because of this. So, it's important to keep in mind if you're picking a longer toy that you'll be wanting to fit it through the inner band, not just your butthole. This isn't a problem, just something to keep in mind when you're starting out or if you mostly use plugs. The sigmoid isn't something you have to worry about penetrating accidentally--if that's something you want to do, you should look for something longer specifically when toy shopping. It's the tightest of the three and is.... odd feeling to penetrate. Good, though.

Firmer toys also generally stimulate the prostate better. Your prostate is pretty close to the anus so a toy doesn't have to be very long at all to be good for prostate stim, but a longer toy can also be nice for it because it's easier to manipulate with kegels. Overall, your rectum is kind of like a sock--if you stretch it wide it won't have much depth, if you stretch it long it won't have much girth. So, even though a toy might be short enough and slim enough, if it's close to the limit of both you might have trouble with it anyways.

So, keep in mind when toy shopping, what qualities you're looking for in a toy. Switch it up! Have some toys that hit some criteria, some that hit others! Fantasy toys aren't just for furries, different shapes hit you differently and are pleasurable in different ways. Experiment and find out what you like!

The one thing I can't recommend enough is a soft, squishy plug. Because it's soft, you can fit larger ones than you might think, and doing kegels with them soft enough to stretch with your movements feels really nice. They're typically very rounded, and between that and the softness they're very very comfortable.

I think that's all the important stuff! Please, feel free to ask me any questions you might have! Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

Does snorting cum clear up your nose somehow or something?

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