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My uncle died of pancreatic cancer last summer, and I was pretty close to him. He was like my surrogate father after my real one died when I was ten. I'd been wanting to tell him for a long time and didn't know how he'd react but eventually...I just didn't. I decided that deep down in his heart he knew that I was different and still loved me, even if I never told him and he probably wouldn't understand it fully. He was dying anyway so I figured it wouldn't do much good to tell him since he'd be gone. I'll never know what would have happened had I told him and how he'd react, but my last words to him were "I love you" and I am at peace with that. I still haven't processed his death fully, honestly. Grieving comes when it comes and sometimes it goes away for a while and comes back in full force. It shows up in strange, unrecognizable ways. I used to draw and paint a lot and I just...stopped after his death. I don't know why.

But anyway...I don't have good advice for you. You just have to accept it. Stand by a creek, let the wind blow through your hair. Have the pain in your heart, carry that weight, then get stronger and more able to carry it and let go. There's no easy answers in situations like this. Cancer sucks. I hate cancer. I wish cancer was eradicated from the face of this planet. It's gonna suck. But you'll get through it. It'll be hard. But you'll keep going and eventually it won't be quite as bad. You'll find a way to come to terms with it in your own way and when you're ready.

My heart truly goes out to you. I lost my mom in 2017 to stomach cancer and it was gut wrenching. We have always had a up and down relationship but I was with her at the very end.

It was before I realized I was a woman and as I was trying to have my "goodbye" talk a few weeks before she passed, I explained how I was feeling over the years with our relationship and how I knew she tried her best and I forgive her. But even after saying all that, I had a sense there was more I needed her to know about me and unfortunately I never got to tell her.

I don't know how your relationship with your mother is, but if you have anything you need to get off your chest. I really suggest you do it. Even if it feels like the hardest thing in the world. But of course you need to keep your own mental health as your top priority. Even writing things down in a letter without her seeing is cathartic.

Please please PLEASE reach out to me through dm or something if you'd like someone to talk with who has been through a similar situation.

I give you the biggest hug I can while you go through this. Know you are not alone ❤️

I think it is important to talk with a professional about this moving forward. Based on your description this sounds more like it will be to help with processing things after the dust settles though.

I have family that I am still not out with, and for those that would be unaccepting they are either not worth telling or communicating with at all. I come from a big family, so I've had to learn to cut folks out that are dangerous (drug addiction and prone to acts of violence) or toxic (verbally abusive, manipulative, etc) over the years.

The family members that felt the hardest to loose were my grandmother and my aunt/godmother. We didn't agree on a lot politically or religiously, but they were both such kind people through their lives. My aunt passed suddenly, so there was no chance to wrap things up or say goodbye. My grandmother passed from cancer and it was a lot slower. By the time we knew she wouldn't make it out of the hospital she was not the same person that went in, and generally was frustrated to have so many people saying goodbye.

Ultimately I still swing by both their graves to leave flowers and to talk at them. Life ending is messy and far from ideal

In time though regardless of the actions you take I'd recommend remembering how you feel now and show compassion and patience for yourself and those around you.