I'm really sorry your wife rejected you like that, that pain will likely stick around for some time. Coming out as nonbinary in a marriage is really tough, my partner actually did not too long ago.

I'm a trans woman, and there were still challenges for me. In theory I should be the most accepting partner and immediately be able to change my brain around, but I found myself confused - having to process things in ways I didn't anticipate.

Your partner's brain is probably going crazy right now trying to process your identity, what that means for her identity and you as a couple, then resetting the expectations she had for your collective future. Not to mention processing the potential optics of being perceived as being in a queer relationship in today's climate. That's a lot!

How she spoke to you was how she felt in that moment, but doesn't have to be how she feels forever. If you have the patience and pain tolerance for that process, it's very possible things will work out.

What's harder to actually make work is suppressing your identity for the sake of someone you love. It can feel like noble sacrifice, but you're really not doing either of you a favor long-term. You'll both feel the facade, but feel dedicated to it and be miserable.

I suppose if I had advice, it'd be to remember that how you both feel in this moment can and will change, and doesn't have to mean anything big about your relationship unless you want it to. I know I can feel a panic to process and try to repair things, when time and space is actually what's needed.

Oh, and try to find a decent relationship counselor if you're both down - though the process of finding someone is certainly discouraging.

I really hope the best for you.

Please ignore the commenter saying you should get a divorce. Nobody here knows anything about your relationship or your personal life, so we have no business telling you to make major life decisions. You may want to try talking to a therapist who specializes in gender identity issues, since only someone who takes the time to get to know you and understand your situation can really give you helpful advice.

What exactly do you mean by explore my non-binary identity?

If she cannot or will not reason with you; she should be told to get lost. I don't know the complexities of your relationship; but if she is unwilling to parlay or hear you out...the ship sank long before you noticed. Do not expend energy trying to salvage it.

but there’s a lot more going on beyond this wherein I need her.

I get there may be a large number of affairs that are entangled that may require you to take time or action to disentangle them. I'm not telling you to deliver an ultimatum today or even this month. Be Prepared.

It doesn't matter that you don't want to hear it; The time is nigh; Prepare for a divorce. Please; DO NOT LET HER FILE FIRST!!! You should do it; so that you don't get taken to the cleaners and there's two lawyers negotiating instead of one lawyer demanding you yield everything of value to her.

You must not ignore the problem at hand. Naturally; if you know of a way to resolve the problem without resorting to nuclear tactics or ultimatums; you may pursue them. Understand however that she may be unyielding or refuse to compromise.

If she is truly willing to leave you for refusing to stop expressing or exploring yourself; you should not yield to her emotional blackmail. I leave it up to you to engage and speak with her honestly to determine where she stands emotionally on this so you can better advise yourself on how you will choose to respond to her highly inappropriate request.

In the end; what you do is your choice...but I genuinely wish you luck and hope that your wife is more reasonable and kind than I am expecting her to be. Talk to her and see.

Well then you'll have to talk with her.