this post was submitted on 26 Nov 2023
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[–] henfredemars@infosec.pub 91 points 11 months ago (4 children)

I met the author... a guy who wrote the script for one of the pictured movies. He was doing stand-up comedy on a cruise ship. He said yes, they are all terrible, but there's a certain audience for them and they're quite profitable.

He said I want you to think of me when you're forced to watch one of these. I want you to know who is responsible, and that I'm very sorry.

[–] agressivelyPassive@feddit.de 40 points 11 months ago (3 children)

They probably cost next to nothing to produce, so even a small audience will make them profitable.

I wonder, if you could just cycle through the same 5 movies without anyone noticing.

[–] BCsven@lemmy.ca 30 points 11 months ago

They are definitely lower budget than 'normal' movies. But even as a low budget it still requires all the same production staff, camera, sound, editor, crew park staff, food services, wranglers, casting etc. The cheap part is unknown actors and not a lot of travel. Source: my wife has done background work on many movies and TV shows. As background they get paid to sit until call time. so scene maybe half hour, but all the background people waiting get a full hourly pay and all the food you want while waiting. You will notice on hallmark they zoom in tight so background is barely visible, this helps not having a large set of background people. in one movie at the mall they had my wife shopping and walking back and forth. it works for the scene but if you watched it closely you would notice the same lady in every scene carrying different boxes or bags.

[–] WarmSoda@lemm.ee 28 points 11 months ago (2 children)

They have two movies that are the same exact movie but told through two different main characters point of view. Same scenes and everything.

It's actually an interesting idea on paper. And Hallmark is probably the perfect way to do something like that.

[–] flashgnash@lemm.ee 21 points 11 months ago

Hallmark red and hallmark blue. There are certain characters you can only get through trading with someone who watched the other film

[–] rotopenguin@infosec.pub 6 points 11 months ago

The idea worked out pretty well in "To every you I've loved before" and "To me, the one who loved you".

I somehow doubt Hallmark did quite as good a job of it.

[–] mindbleach@sh.itjust.works 6 points 11 months ago

It is kinda weird they haven't made the Teletubbies decision to stop making new episodes once they have enough to loop. Once they have, what, three hundred? Then they can fill twelve hours per day from Halloween until Christmas. Shift those by a few movies every year and people will catch a whole different set based on when they watch TV.

[–] RiikkaTheIcePrincess@pawb.social 6 points 11 months ago

Wow, that's brutal. "I want you to know who did this to you!"

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[–] ElBarto@sh.itjust.works 72 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Wealthy socialite Human Woman had it all, ceo of the top you feel bad magazine, house on top of building and even a tiny enslaved bark beast, the only thing Human Woman was missing was a chemical reaction.

Human Woman receives a electrical waveform, Human Woman's Human Grandmother mush box has stopped, Human Woman emigrated in moving iron box to original location, meeting Human Man also from original location, chemical reaction happens and Human Woman And Human man become human Couple

[–] 1847953620@lemmy.world 18 points 11 months ago (3 children)

I would watch a satire based on this.

[–] Akuchimoya@startrek.website 19 points 11 months ago (1 children)

You might enjoy "A Christmas Movie Christmas", where the protagonists wake up and find themselves as the protagonists in a Christmas movie reality. It's a comedy where you basically laugh at the troops while they call themselves out on it.

[–] RiikkaTheIcePrincess@pawb.social 8 points 11 months ago (1 children)

[Playful jokeness] The... troops? Whose military is invading Christmas-movie-land :o

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[–] pyre@lemmy.world 13 points 11 months ago

watch the hallmark channel. you won't tell the difference.

[–] ElBarto@sh.itjust.works 8 points 11 months ago (1 children)

The make you cry channel presents: Northern hemisphere winter solstice chemical reaction

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[–] CIA_Chatbot@normalcity.life 68 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Here’s a script idea:

Suzy Citygirl has to plan the perfect Christmas pageant or Bernard Bigbiz will fire her from her job at the Joyless Inc. Little does she know when she gets sent to Tinytown, Vermont on business she'll meet Matty McSmall town. He owns the struggling local tinsel factory and needs to sell enough tinsel by Christmas or else his grandma won't be allowed to have the surgery she needs to remove the tumor from her holiday spirt gland. Matty is also single dad that was widowed by a freak tinsel lathing accident and the little girl loves Sally Citygirl from the beginning and secretly helps her dad see past his pain.

With minutes to spare in the Christmas pageant/tumor deadline Suzy convinces Mr. Bigbiz to buy enough tinsel to save the Christmas pageant AND remove grandma's tumor! But after throwing the perfect pageant she realizes Mr. Bigbiz is a terrible boss, and moves to Tinytown permanently. She falls in love with Matty, and gets a job at his tinsel factory. With her big business skills the struggling tinsel factory grows three sizes that day.

Mr. Bigbiz is ruined. He realizes the error of his ways and comes to Vermont to apologize. Now he too works at the tinsel factory, and loves life now. But don’t forget, throughout the movie the cast interacts with lovable bearded old man who may or may not be Santa, because wtf, why not?

[–] Okokimup@lemmy.world 18 points 11 months ago (2 children)

I love how Suzy's name changed at random.

[–] mycatiskai@lemmy.one 13 points 11 months ago

I mean it's Hallmark, is anything really of consequence?

[–] CIA_Chatbot@normalcity.life 8 points 11 months ago

During cold/flu season, I’m lucky the story came off even somewhat consistent lol.

[–] TheCannonball@lemmy.world 62 points 11 months ago (1 children)

You missed the best series of nonsense Christmas movies:

  • Time for Me to Come Home for Christmas
  • Time for Her to Come Home for Christmas
  • Time for Him to Come Home for Christmas
  • Time for You to Come Home for Christmas
  • Time for Them to Come Home for Christmas

Yes these are legit hallmark movies.

[–] HowManyNimons@lemmy.world 33 points 11 months ago* (last edited 11 months ago) (3 children)

So we're still waiting for "Us" and "It" before we crack into the non-binary-centric pronouns, which we obviously won't.

[–] Mirshe@lemmy.world 10 points 11 months ago

"Time for It To Come Home for Christmas" sounds vaguely ominous.

[–] theUnlikely@sopuli.xyz 10 points 11 months ago* (last edited 11 months ago) (2 children)

Is Time for It to Come Home for Christmas an Addams Family crossover?

[–] mindbleach@sh.itjust.works 4 points 11 months ago

Sports movie.

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[–] Imgonnatrythis@sh.itjust.works 46 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Damn. Some very white Christmases in Hallmark land.

[–] ares35@kbin.social 21 points 11 months ago (2 children)

they would never dare disrupt the cash cow with gays or queers, or atheists or 'non christians', or a realistic portrayal of a poor or homeless person, or too many brown persons.

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[–] KredeSeraf@lemmy.world 43 points 11 months ago

What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot?

!633 hallmark movies!<

[–] Blackmist@feddit.uk 40 points 11 months ago (3 children)

They look a lot like the identikit romance books my mum would read. Even she didn't know which one's she'd read before. Be like three quarters of the way in and then go "oh, I've read this".

Pretty sure ChatGPT could create those things by now, such is the limitless array of imagination on offer within.

[–] xenoclast@lemmy.world 18 points 11 months ago* (last edited 11 months ago)

They don't need anything nearly as complicated as GPT LLMs . They already generate these scripts with a MS Word macro. It's been like that for years.

Once in a while the source dictionary is updated. They sell the scripts in lots of like 20 and charge for any customized work.

I'm certain those books work the same way.

If you can think of a way that reduces work and increases profits. They are already doing it.

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[–] someguy3@lemmy.ca 39 points 11 months ago* (last edited 11 months ago) (2 children)

Just once I want a man in a red sweater and a woman in a green dress [sobs].

[–] Grayox@lemmy.ml 7 points 11 months ago

Now that would be innovative!!

[–] Holzkohlen@feddit.de 5 points 11 months ago* (last edited 11 months ago)

This desire is actually what started feminism. Trust me bro

[–] lemmiter@lemm.ee 35 points 11 months ago (5 children)

Not trying to be racist but it's almost always a man and a woman who are both White - and probably a Black side character if they are feeling generous.

[–] pigup@lemmy.world 22 points 11 months ago (3 children)

They have ones with black protagonists, the white ones just have a few token black people, often for comic relief. This is TV for Karens essentially.

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[–] grayman@lemmy.world 20 points 11 months ago

The channel viewership is 99.999% overweight to obese older white women. This is functionally their porn.

[–] const_void@lemmy.ml 16 points 11 months ago (1 children)

If they do have an interracial couple it's always a black man with a white woman. Never the other way around.

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[–] rgb3x3@beehaw.org 11 points 11 months ago

Hollywood's (meaning movie and TV producers in general) default is white and straight.

The hetero norm is changing slowly, but the white norm is still very much a thing. Typically for a movie to feature a predominantly POC cast, it's directed by a POC and listed as a POC movie, rather than just... well, a movie.

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[–] KaleDaddy@beehaw.org 26 points 11 months ago (2 children)

I live in a small town in Vermont, my girlfriend grew up here but moved away to New York City and has recently returned. She hates Christmas and I love it. Ive been trying to get her into the Christmas spirit. We were picking a Christmas tree when i realized we're literally following the plot of these stupid movies and i now i keep mentioning how i need her big city business skills to help save my Christmas themed bakery

[–] JillyB@beehaw.org 7 points 11 months ago

When she finally starts to get it, that's when Santa becomes real.

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[–] Omega_Haxors@lemmy.ml 20 points 11 months ago

When you have that almost perfect Stable Diffusion prompt and you're trying to figure out what you have to change to get it that last little bit.

[–] kool_newt@lemm.ee 16 points 11 months ago (1 children)

I love these movies, I think part of it is that holiday movies are some of the only light-hearted movies around that aren't for kids. I don't care that they suck in real terms or are all the same (something about xmas brings enhances my tolerance for terrible music and movies), I do wish they Hallmark knew about POC and LGBTQIA.

[–] BCsven@lemmy.ca 5 points 11 months ago (2 children)

We used to call it Schlock not sure if that term is still used

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[–] LordChaos82@discuss.tchncs.de 14 points 11 months ago (4 children)

That would be the worst movie marathon ever!!

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[–] NutWrench@lemmy.world 13 points 11 months ago (1 children)

This is what bland, AI generated crap looks like, folks. But you can still make your own entertainment library. Buy an external hard drive and start a collection of your favorite movies/series (while you still can).

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[–] Drinvictus@discuss.tchncs.de 9 points 11 months ago

Fast and furious XV: The return of Naruto

[–] Sigma@lemmy.ml 5 points 11 months ago

these are targeted at boomers who are already programmed to feel guilty about about any decision that effects profit margins.

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