Relationship Advice

Based on what you wrote, sounds to me like she wants out.

I think that a healthy long term relationship will require some compromise from both partners. Over the course of a lifetime there will be things that two people don't agree on, sometimes very strongly. Being able to talk through those issues and work out an appropriate compromise is crucial to the longevity of the relationship.

If she's insistant that the shorts of issues you've described are deal breakers for her I think there are a few possible reasons:

• She wants out of the relationship and is using these issues as an excuse
• she's not really ready for a longterm, serious relationship
• The issues are more serious than you've described and she's not explaining her complaints in a way that makes clear to you what is really wrong

Ideally I'd like to hear from your girlfriend directly, but assuming that's not possible....

I agree with the other reply: she either wants out of the relationship for unrelated reasons, or is far too immature (or ignorant?) to have a healthy long term relationship

I'm married. Compromise happens all the time in healthy relationships. That's not "giving up" or "changing" for the other person. It's changing for yourself because you want to make the other person happy.

My mother taught me this one: If there is something I can do that will make my wife feel good, and it's easy to do, and it costs me very little, then why the hell WOULDN'T I want to do it? Their happiness makes me happy.

No two people fit perfectly. Two humans sharing a life - whether lovers, roommates, friends, or family - are always going to have some varying amount of conflicting behaviors/desires. Mature adults figure out how to work together so that everyone is content. Quitting at the first sign of conflict is childish

NOTE: This type of behavior may indicate a severe issue with conflict avoidance. Being unable to resolve conflict in a healthy way is a giant red flag for me. It can often stem from some form of trauma. But imagine what will happen if life throws a real challenge your way and your partner doesn't have the tools to deal with it.

ETA - Re: note: only you can judge whether it's worth putting in the effort to try to be there while this person works through their issues

I thought I proposed a good and honestly quite normal solution. Talk to each other, take compromises for my partner, accept them not being perfect.

That’s a healthy, mature attitude to have. You deserve a partner who feels the same way. Don’t let this experience change you for the worse.

Your girlfriend seems to hold the belief that people should effortlessly be ideal matches for one another. Unless you’re in a fairy tale, that isn’t how relationships work. She doesn’t want you to change for her because then she thinks she’ll “owe” you, and she’s not willing to change herself. (In a way, that’s actually pretty fair of her. She could just treat you as a doormat, but she isn’t.)

She may be a wonderful person in other ways, but you can’t sustain a relationship with someone who’s not willing to be flexible.

Relationships are all about little compromises. It's impossible to have a relationship without them so what you say she's saying is nonsense. So, here are some wild likely wrong guesses that try to make sense of it based on what you've said:

1. Big changes, like fundamental identity changes, aren't great for relationships, and maybe she's had to deal with someone trying to do that kind of change in the past, so she's come to the false conclusion that nobody should change anything about themselves in a relationship?

2. Another potential option is that she's looking for excuses for the relationship to end but doesn't want to do it herself.

3. She's naive and childishly wanting someone exactly the same as she is, but she's with you because she's still yet to find that mythical prince that she hopes is around the corner.

4. She's having cold feet about the relationship and projecting that pretty normal experience onto something in the relationship to make it your fault.

Anyway, my advice would be couples counseling if she's willing, to help you both communicate expectations and wants.

She said no, changing, even just small changes, for the partner makes no sense, better find someone more “similar”

I think it's important to figure out WHY she thinks any kind of change for anyone else is always a bad thing.

Did someone once expect her to change the core of who she is for them?

Is she holding to some kind of "to thine own self be true" maxim in both letter AND in spirit? How does she handle things like work environments, where people are expected to modify their actions and behaviours based on a set of rules or guidelines?

Most human beings have the ability to separate feelings and actions when necessary and can perform different actions while still maintaining or holding to their core beliefs and having their feelings acknowledged and respected. You generally don't have to change who you are just because you're asked to behave or act differently under a few specific circumstances.

It might be worth trying to identify what it is in particular that she's resistant to changing with specific examples and then try to determine what it is about those things that bind so tightly to her core concept of who she is as a person.

On the one hand it's extremely healthy that she's willing to talk openly about behaviors she finds disturbing, and I like her attitude of not having to change just to meet someone else's demands that you be what they want you to be. But on the other hand - life and relationships are all about compromise, and even though we like to think we don't have to give up or change things, the truth is, sometimes to make a relationship work, you DO have to compromise what you want. Each side has to give a little.

So in a way her attitude, while admirable, is also immature. She probably doesn't yet see why both sides have to give in and be compromising sometimes. Iv'e seen so many people end up alone because they refuse to change or give even a little to the other person's needs.

I think all you can do is iterate why you find her great to be with and hope she'll not just give up on you. Relationships ALWAYS take work, and I've learned it's not always a good idea to just up and walk out because of being fed up with the other person.