Thank you Nome @NomedaBarbarian
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@NomedaBarbarian on Twitter:
Thinking about how I've been lied to as an #ADHD person about what habits are.
That apparently is not what neurotypical folks get to experience.
Habits are things that they do without thinking.
They don't have to decide to do them. They don't have to remember to do them. Things just happen, automatically, because they've done them enough for that system to engage and make them automatic.
That system...which I lack.
Every single time I have brushed my teeth, it's been an active choice. I've had to devote thought and attention to it. It's not a routine, it's not a habit, it's something that I know is good to do, and hopefully I can remember to do it.
Every single time I exercise, or floss, or pay my rent, or drink water, or say "bless you" when someone sneezes,
It's because I've had to actively and consciously engage the protocol.
It never gets easier.
Just more familiar.
It's part of my struggle with my weight--exercise never becomes a habit, and every single time I do it, it is exactly as hard as the first time. It takes exactly as much willpower & thought.
I got lied to about how it would just "turn into a habit". And blamed, when it didn't.
Drinking water isn't a habit. Feeding myself isn't a habit. Bathing isn't a habit.
I spend so much more energy, so much more time, so much more labor on just managing to maintain my fucking meat suit.
And now you want me to ALSO do taxes?
ON TIME?
I'll be brutally honest. You're right, it doesn't get easier.
To paraphrase Kara Lawson, you just get better at handling hard stuff.
It sounds like you have a hard time forming habits. That's definitely how they're defined though. Habits are the things we do on autopilot.
As my username suggests, it's not all sunshine and roses. I used to have a habit of drinking and smoking. My typical cycle was that I'd wake up with a hangover and just go to work. Fortunately, that part was all on autopilot. I'd make it through work and do all the normal work crap. Assuming there was no office happy-hour, I would go to the train on autopilot. At this point I'd firmly intend not to buy wine or cigarettes. I meant it, 100%, every time. I'd take the train home and firmly intend to walk right past the liquor store, without stopping. But unfortunately my autopilot habit was just as strong here. Day after day I would just take a slight detour and end up with a pack of Camel lights, a bottle of Marques de Caceres and usually some variety drink, often some Hefeweizen or IPA.
Good habits can be really helpful. Bad habits can suck donkey balls. Changing them can be really hard. I enjoyed reading Atomic Habits and it helped me think about ways to influence my own autopilot behavior. If it makes you feel any better, exercise seems to be one of those habits that a lot of people find difficult. There's a well known phenomenon where gyms completely fill up on January 2 and then empty out around January 15 for the rest of the year.
It sounds like you're doing what you can to make yourself better at the hard stuff. Best of luck, friend.
I will not drink with you today.