Melbourne

I want to send it to them, I know their address (or at least an address that would forward it to them). But I also know I'm in no right mind to be making that decision. I'm mad that they got to send me that absolute toxic drivel, and that I didn't take the time to rip them a new one.

My beautiful partner suggested printing it and burning it instead, which is a good idea. I just feel so raw. I wish this didn't affect me so much, but I know why it does: it was worse than hell. I would have preferred hell. I thought what my mum's dad did to me was bad, but that only happened once. My ex did it to me, 4 times a week, for 8 years. I wish I could put them on blast, properly, that I could show their friends and family what they did. I wish I could remove them from this world. I wish I broke up with them in 2010, when my friends said they didn't like them.

Maybe I wouldn't have had to take call centre jobs to support her and I, and maybe I would have got a higher ENTER score, gone to uni, and been an archeologist like I always wanted.

But I cannot live in the past making wishes that won't come true for my 18yo self. I can only mourn what could have been, but I must remain here in the present to truly become what I want to be.

I shouldn't send it at all, because it only proves to them how much they affected me, and I'm sure it would give them a boner knowing how much I hurt still. I think they got off on my pain, and I think what I said and did in that chat was the right call; it made them mad I didn't grovel.

I don't think they will find happiness or a partner who would put up with them for as long as I did. Not these days, knowing what we know about abusers and their insidious ways. She can claim she didn't rape me endlessly, because she's a girl, but it doesn't take away from the fact they had a penis and the time and used it as a weapon of destruction against my soul. I can only hope any of their future partners will see them for what they are before she hurts them like she hurt me.