this post was submitted on 14 Feb 2024
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Autism
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So I can't say what your daughter is thinking, but I wonder if there's some negative experiences and associations here:
Given all of that, taking the medication might be very stressful for her, even if she doesn't know why.
While I (autistic, but without pda as far as I know) haven't taken antidepressants, I have taken things like multivitamins. However, in my experience, actually taking pills is difficult. It's very unnatural to me to avoid chewing on "food" and swallow things whole. I have to do it quickly before my brain figures out what is going on, and I have to be in a good relaxed headspace. Out of interest, do other autistic people here feel the same?
I like to think of autism as being overwhelmed all the time. I can't say that that's how everyone feels, but that's how I model it internally. In another comment, you mentioned these issues starting when she changed schools. That's something that's overwhelming to any child regardless of their neurotype, even if the new one is better.
I wonder (and may be wrong) if the school change has made everything more difficult for her, which makes it more difficult for her to take medication (which was already difficult). So she gets stressed and physically feels unable to swallow the pills. And then she feels like you've made it a competition that she feels pressured to win (she has two options, "win" or take the meds, and she can't do the latter).
Anyway, I'm not a professional healthcare person, just a guy online, so don't take anything I say too seriously. Just airing out my read on the situation.
I greatly appreciate every insight and idea I have gotten here. Im neurotypical myself so all I can do is try my best at understanding, and reach out to places like this to try and get a different perspective.
While we understand that a school change is difficult (for any child) and the things you mentioned about her previous experiences with meds, we have a hard time finding the connection. It might sound like a very obvious connection, but we have tried so many things to figure it out that the conclusion came pretty much from exclusion. So when you say there might be one still I appreciate that insight, we need to rethink that part.
Wild theory: maybe she is unhappy with all the changes and feels like she has no say in anything, and this is the only way how she can get some semblance of agency.
Did she want the school change? Did she have a say in which school she is going to? Do you believe her when she says she can't do something, even if it doesn't make sense to hsyou?
I'm asking the last question because for 35 years, it was not enough if I told people something is too much or I didn't like it. They didn't feel that way, so obviously I was just being difficult. This pattern of accidental gaslighting fucked me up big time.
I'm still in therapy for that, and I still feel unexplainable resistance to doing some things. Nowadays, with the help of a therapist, I found success in not pushing myself, but instead asking myself why I have this resistance. The key is that I'm willing to drop whatever I'm trying to do.
So maybe stop pushing and trying to convince her, and find ways where life currently is difficult for her and work with her to make it less difficult. If she is burned out, time may be the best cure.
I dont think shes unhappy, but rather overwhelmed. She says that she really likes the new school and wants to go, but just cant.
Yes, she wanted the school change as well, but also not. She misses her friends, we try to set them up outside of school instead now, but its not the same. She was very involved in the decision to change but not to where, we applied to 3 different ones after interviewing principals and staff at several more and choose based on what they said they could do for our situation. Location as well, so that new friends she makes would be in somewhat close proximity.
I do believe her, now. But it took some time for me to understand that i really dont understand everything and just have to take her word for it. I have been trying to explain that to her, that i might not always understand, but that i trust her. Its a process for both of us. Im sorry you had to go through that, because what I do understand is that it take a big toll one someone to be gaslit like that.
Everyone seem to be giving similar advice here, less pushing and let her figure it out, with our help of course. Im just afraid that giving it too much time will leave her behind, in school as well as socially. To be clear, I dont care about grades or performance in school, just that she might loose connection with friends in her age.
Here's the deal: even if she's missing time in "normal" education, time that would normally be spent in class, it's not the end of the world. People have flunked out of school to have fun and got their bearing later. She, however, has a good reason not to go right now.
I can tell you that me pushing myself through all the normal milestones has not helped me - you don't want to see my cv or hear about my experiences with work. It's just sad. And still, finally, last year, I found my niche.
Allow her to be on her own timeline. Don't worry about her missing out. Allow her to figure out what fhe needs to be comfortable in life. Once I was able to set boundaries and prioritize being comfortable without constant fighting I was able and willing to compromise sometimes if I consider it important. But the base is unconditional acceptance of my needs. Without that I was in constant self-defense and senf-preservation mode.
At some point I sat crying in my therapists office. The agency for benefits was pushing for results, and I was so frigging overwhelmed. I told my therapist "I wish I could just do nothing for the rest of the year." He looked me dead in the eye and said: "That can be arranged." I didn't think much of it but suddenly there were no appointments. They dragged their feet on paperwork and I could only tell the agency that I can't get the paperworks, I'm waiting too. They eventually gave up, and I had almost four months where there was nothing to do. I only realized in hindsight what my therapist had done for me, but that break helped me rest and heal a lot, so that we could actually work on things in the new year.
Give her the gift of time and acceptance. Once she feels safe and heard, she is hopefully in a position to take on the challenge of therapy and getting better.