I hate myself. I want to erase myself with that poison. I want everyone who tries to abuse me and ask me for anything see no response, for I burned myself to death. I wait for some time when I would be just free, but whenever it comes, I'd just drink through it so I wouldn't even remember it. It feels like I had no free time at all, and here comes another morning, another Monday. I want to die.
I want to isolate myself from all this noise, these requests, these fucking routines. And alcohole helps me there. But then I have problems even waking up, a racing hearth, a bloody nose, these flashes in my already tired eyes. I feel like I pushed it too far, I eat vodka instead of a proper food, and it feeds into my generally bad acceptance of food.
I feel like it's nothing. I can race, I can growl, I can hate for whatever this diete of vodka and barely something can carry me for.
It makes me prepared to still work the job I hate. It makes me do work for people I love. It makes me not alone.
I feel embarassed by people around me, for they can smell that I've been drinking from me. In elevators, on the ladders and especially in the office space. Many of them are so kind to ignore it, but I know all of them know it. Even persons I don't know personally know I'm a drunk piece of shit.
I hate myself, why I'm even there? All I can think of is hate, Hate, HATE. But if I'm unfit to my job, where I can even find a job with that bad temper.
Honestly, I just want to drink myself to death, when I wouldn't care of all these things and my self-hatred.
Hey, I've talked to you before in other threads.
I got sober in 2017, but I still remember feeling a lot of what you're describing here. I too had the shame and the hopelessness. I too wanted to die so many times. That was actually the same time when I ended up in the psych ward and jail.
I too had a career that was slowly killing me but where I felt trapped. Things got so bad with the alcohol that I lost that career.
And that bad temper? That's not totally you. Contrary to popular belief, alcohol has a profound psychological impact over time. I still struggle with depression, but I can't even express how much better it is without the alcohol. It's not easy to see how much it's affecting literally everything when you're, as they say, "lost in the sauce." The alcohol is bringing a lot of the anger and feelings of hopelessness. Even when you're not actually drunk, it has a lingering effect.
I'm slightly poorer now, but I found a job I feel good about and that's not killing me. I went through hell to get here, but ultimately I'm thankful to be alive and sober.
You can do it, too. It might not work on your first try, but then try and try again. Eventually you'll find some support, something that works for you.
It also turned out for me that a big part of the alcoholism (and in my case, also opioid addiction) was related to trauma. Yeah. For a lot of us, there's also something we're dealing with. And if you get through this, you can come out an even better person than ever, because you'll know what it's like for people with trauma and addiction. It's made me much more empathetic.
I hope you can get through this and find peace. For me, my rock bottom had to hit pretty hard, but I found a sober life on the other side. If I could do it, you can too.
I'm sorry for don't even remembering when we met the first time. Was it the time when I was drunk and felt so much loathe for myself I used lemmy as a shadow to train my fists against, or when I became sober, sad and empathetic, and tried to help someone with my thoughtd and ideas? I can't tell. But I hope, the third time would be different.
There's so much in your reply I can't process at once. I'd reread it. And I hope your words wouldn't be for nothing.
As far as I remember, it was neither. We shared back and forth a bit about mental health care in Russia and where I live in the US.
The main idea is that a lot of what you hate about yourself seems related to the alcohol. That's how it was for me. And that you have to try again when you fail.
I did go to AA at first and had a sponsor who told me, "Find what works for you, and keep doing it." What worked for me early on was keeping myself busy with hobbies.
Also, if you can't find AA where you're at, maybe you can find an online group, maybe a discord? In my experience, it doesn't have to be specifically focused on recovery, just a group of people who you can connect with who won't encourage you to drink. I personally had to get away from the people who were all about drinking and using.