this post was submitted on 08 Oct 2023
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Stupid work anxiety, I'm so close to the end - just the equivalent of two FT weeks of work and I can leave forever instead of being in this strange limbo - but I just can't sleep out of sheer dread. So much negativity instead of looking forward to new beginnings!
I was drifting off nicely to sleep with this book when I decided to switch off the lamp and remembered I needed to set the alarm... that woke me right up with a pang of realisation followed by a sinking feeling of sadness. I don't remember feeling this bad even at school. I'll have to will myself to sleep and work and find purpose through this quagmire of deep seated aversion!
E: I was up till 4:30 am. halp
It'll be ok, it's not long to go, just take one day at a time and deal with what comes when it happens.
Just think of the freedom after you're done and and what new opportunities await you.
I haven't set myself up very well for this first of the one-day-at-a-times, went to sleep so late I feel like a zombie today. I suspect what's making it hard to anticipate the future is that I could have freedom NOW by just walking away. I have to remind myself I'm doing this for my colleagues (and some money).