Melbourne

Warning: this will be a bit of a vent because it has to come out somewhere.

I gave myself my first haircut since lockdown era yesterday. Just the back and sides because it was looking scruffy under my baseball cap I wear most of the time and I was going for a coffee with a lady friend. It was a bit of a rush job so I revisited it tonight to clean it up, I'm going to the office tomorrow so I can't wear a hat. I'm actually more pleased with it than my last few hairdresser haircuts with the caveat that I can't see the back and do that part by feel alone (I know mirrors exist, but I live life on the edge sometimes).

Giving myself haircuts isn't actually a great sign and it's probably a bit telling about where I am at the moment. I got an out-of-the-blue message the other day from an old fling, one I regret letting get away years ago, with a screenshot of one of those "10 years ago today" Facebook posts which showed us out dancing together. She's been happily (I assume) with someone for the last 3 years and we haven't really spoken so I thought maybe something had happened and she was reaching out to reconnect, due to her bringing up when we went on a few dates and bringing up how fun it was, but I had a look at her profile (I don't look at Facebook anymore) and she looks happier than ever with him, which I'm honestly happy for her because she deserves it. She stopped replying after I asked how the family was. I guess she was done catching up. C’est la vie.

Add that to me having to deal with a crush I've developed with lady friend from the first paragraph. I know - even if it hasn't been addressed directly - that we are friends and won't be more than that. It's just confusing because we speak every day and she is pretty much the only person I'm actively socialising with so my stupid monkey brain is being a dumb bastard. If I didn't know better I'd think it was the start of something by the way we speak, it feels 'familiar', but I need to keep bringing myself back to reality and tamper anything extra bubbling in my stupid brain because eventually she's going to say she's seeing someone and it's going to sting, but bracing for that constantly sucks. I need to compartmentalise that, work on myself and expand my social circle to new people so I'm not clinging onto the one branch in front of me. These feelings of loneliness, anxiety and hopelessness are getting worse and nobody else can fix that for me.

Anywho, there's way too much info about me. Posting late so this falls into yesterday's archive without too much exposure. I mostly just wanted to write it down somewhere where human eyes which aren't my own could see it, I think.