I had two months to make an application, I spent all of summer in my room on my bed, with the occasional psych-appointment (on the rare chance I didn’t cancel). So because it’s quite urgent that I submit this, my mind is shutting down, feeling sleepy despite sleeping all day, locked in my room, it’s quite warm but I feel terribly cold. I can’t ask what do I do, because I know what I need to do: just do the application! But for some reason, my mind does not want to. Like I have this IDGAF attitude when a lot is at stake if I don’t submit this application.
I’ve got no one to talk to because I don’t want to and I don’t have the energy to lie or smile. I even feel like a fraud claiming that I’m feeling apathetic because I hate this state. And hate is an emotion. I hate that I have all these memories of the person I used to be, before all this. I was punctual, less feeling, organised and my motivation run deep. Now I’m not even a shell of who I was, I don’t even aim to be like I was. I’m just aaaaaarregh.
Edit:
So after yoyoing between pitying myself and being disappointed, I took a walk, then got on the tram. Was a lot less anxious when I returned, I just did the application. The walk honestly was motivated by you guys. I feel so hypocritical that I tell this to my closest friend and my sister when this mood hits, but I can’t tell it to myself. Also, I’m still cold, but I’m okay with it because the anxiety of the application is gone now that I have submitted it (I don’t expect much from it, pessimist here, but I’m relieved it’s over and done with). Thank you. I even rescheduled my appointment, and took doses as prescribed (I’ve been intentionally missing my doses as I don’t feel any better).
I've been in holes similar to this, eventually finding the right medication is the only thing that lifted me out. Once I thought I was gone forever, could hardly talk, same as you head full of memories of the person I used to be. But the right anti-depressant (and getting off anti-psychotics) pushed the right brain buttons and I was able to get out.
Things can take time to change, but they can and will change, I'm sure of it. This isn't your fault, there's a new you in your future.
I’ve actually been thinking of having a discussion about this with the psych. I’m hesitant though because the adapting phase, the first weeks of adjusting to a medication, are just the worst. I hate the lucid dreams, vivid dreams, appetite changes and general having no-one to commiserate with. Thank you for your words truly.