ADHD

Important note: everyone's ADHD is individual, my struggles are not necessarily going to be your struggles, keep that in mind.

I had my first real job experience starting last October (it was a full-time internship for university, which was supposed to be 95 full-time work days within 6 months). The conditions were ideal: friendly and respectful coworkers, a beautiful, park-like property with a pond and walkways, I could come in whenever I liked, as long as I wouldn't miss a meeting (which didn't happen before 9:00), decent pay for an internship. And to top it all off, the company worked with my favorite programming language.

Despite all that, I noticed how this full-time job slowly ate me up. I noticed how, from day to day, my mental battery drained progressively further. It got more and more clear to me that there was no way for me to work and have enough free time and sleep in 24 hours. I came home, mentally exhausted, and often couldn't do much more than just sit down and watch some videos until bedtime. My personal projects and interests had to be completely stopped in their tracks. Going to bed on time left me incredibly unsatisfied (which, over weeks, became misery), but if I tried to give my mind enough time to be satisfied, I sacrificed important sleep hours. Either my mind was deteriorating, or my body.

In hindsight, my 2-week covid quarantine in November was an important break for my mind, despite how horrible being sick was. I also almost reached a breaking point before Christmas, where I used 6 tactically chosen holiday days to bring it up to another 2 weeks. I felt better afterwards, but not recovered.

Ultimately, I lasted 4 1/2 months, until I crashed down with a horrible burnout in February. 18 days short of what I needed for the internship. I sincerely hoped I could power through the rest to be done with it. I really tried. But at that time, my mental resources were dried up, completely. I didn't function at all, anymore. I became an empty husk of myself.

Luckily, with some explanation and a doctoral certificate, I got the university's green light to pick it up at a later time and just work the 18 days, instead of having to redo the whole internship. If that would have been denied, I would have probably quit university then and there. Because having to go through that again, would have been unthinkable for me.

The most important thing this internship taught me was not related to the work itself, nor its industry branch, it was the realization that I'm incompatible with full-time work. That's why I recently struck a deal with the company, I'm going to work the last 18 days, but only 3 days per week, instead of 5. I hope 2 extra free days per week will be enough for me to remain stable.

You might get used to your job in a few weeks. Or you might feel like I did. The only person who will know the best, is you. If you are like me, just be sure to pull the emergency break before you crash down like I did.