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Tell us about the one that "got away" (lemmy.world)

submitted 1 year ago by poopsmith@lemmy.world to c/gaybros@lemmy.world

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As in: the guy that you fell for but you couldn't make it work out for any reason, or maybe a missed connection from long ago, or perhaps something happened in the relationship and you were forced to end things

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[+] MajestySnowbear@lemmy.world 8 points 1 year ago (1 children)

[deleted]

[–] wit@lemmy.world 6 points 1 year ago (3 children)

While that first crush was wild and some of the worst mental anguish I’ve experienced, it definitely helped me grow and learn to focus on what I can change and accept what I can’t. I wasn’t mature enough at all for a relationship at that time anyway; I was still figuring out my own identity in multiple ways, and I was so emotionally consumed by him that I either would’ve centered my whole life around him to an unhealthy degree, or he would’ve lost interest since I’d have stopped developing my own personality.

This is me right now. For a straight guy, no less. And I have had this happen a few times already and it feels like I just never learn. I can´t imagine I will ever get over this guy, but if I do, I will eventually fall stupidly over some other guy and go through the motions all over again. I feel like there is no learning.

You say "it helped me grow and learn to focus on what I can change and accept what I can't". That is very stoic and I know that rationally, but then emotions get into the mix and reason goes out the window.

[–] octopodes9@lemmynsfw.com 3 points 1 year ago

Huh, not judging, but why do you think you do that?

[–] sirdavidxvi@lemmy.world 2 points 1 year ago (2 children)

This hits close for me in a slightly different way.

I kept up with very few high school friends past college, but one was my best friend who, to my knowledge, is straight. We regularly exchanged messages, and even though we were geographically challenged (he moves around the country/world a lot), I fell harder for him year after year.

About 18 months ago (14 years we graduated from HS) I finally expressed my feelings, shortly after we got together in our hometown for the first time in a while. I received no response and haven't heard from him since. He's not homophobic and the worst I expected was some temporary awkwardness, so I was totally unprepared for that.

While the crush has mostly worn off because of this, I'm still devastated that I seem to have lost my longest and best friend. So mine isn't so much a story about one who got away as it is being spurned by one I trusted. I'm a bit bitter right now but I do hope to reconnect with him some day.

[–] wit@lemmy.world 2 points 1 year ago

Yes, that hurts to hear. It is always a possibility with gay people expressing their love for might-be-straight people. I have trouble believing that your friendship will just die like that.

Has he not contacted you in 18 months? If not.. maybe go ahead and send him a message? This is always troublesome, at least in my mind: "He did not send me a message, he obviously does not care about me. Why should I?", "Why should I be the one always taking the first step?"... But sometimes, someone has to take that first step and show vulnerability.

Maybe something like "Hey. I know we have not contacted in a while, but I really miss you. You were my longest and best friend and I want that to continue.. I miss our talks and I truly care about you. How have you been doing?"

On the other hand.. you contacting him might just open the crush again and here comes suffering. This is something you have to decide for yourself.. In the long run, it may just be better to create new friendships and cultivate those.

[–] MrFagtron9000@lemmy.world 1 points 1 year ago

I've thought about doing that, but I don't know what it would accomplish other than destroying a friendship and making things really weird.