Socialanxiety

I (18) have always been insecure and paranoid that I'm freakish, off-putting, and annoying, especially since I'm trans and have been bullied for gender nonconformity since I was a kid. This is not helped by the fact that I've always had trouble getting people to be comfortable with me. I try to let loose and talk normally - fake it till I make it - but deep down I fear that people will see past this "confident" façade and be able to perceive the real, terrified me.

I've always tried to rationalize these fears away by dismissing them as simple paranoia. But lately I've confided in a couple of close friends about my struggles and asked for their honest opinions. I'm not sure if this was a grave mistake - they confirmed that my "normal" act wasn't working as well as I thought. They pointed out some odd behaviours like acting "shifty" by avoiding eye contact, acting "desperate" etc. which sent me into a new spiral of overthinking.

Logically I know that I shouldn't be taking this personally, but I cannot help but feel as if I am inherently "defective" at connecting with other people. I'm just reinforcing my negative self-perception all over again, and I'm starting to lose hope that I could ever be likable. External validation shouldn't matter to my inherent worth, but annoyingly it does.

If anybody has advice on how to build up a healthier internal sense of worth, that would be neat. I'm stuck in an odd spot without accessible therapy right now, since I just graduated HS and the school therapist was incompetent at handling trans issues anyway. Looking for something that might help tide me over until I secure mental health support at uni - which I also anticipate myself struggling with due to social anxiety, I'm sure you all can relate.

Thanks for reading all this - have a good day.