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Am I (24M) being delusional over possibilities of a relationship with my crush (21F)? (kbin.social)
submitted 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) by misago@kbin.social to c/relationship_advice@lemmy.world
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Long story short: we have been meeting each other for a while for semi-professional reasons, around two years now, although we only got close in the recent months. We have a very strong group of friends thanks to which we interacted a lot recently.

A job-related difficult situation arose recently and we have been extremely supportive to each other. We talk for hours at night about what's troubling us, we worry whenever one or the other is not in a good mood to extensive lengths. If she wakes up before me she always says good morning and ask me how's things.

I always thought of her as "way out of my league", and for this reason didn't even approach the concept of a relationship until recently: she is very fit while I am on the softer side, and I don't know what to think: she is extremely smart, intelligent, and would never reduce me down to my weight, but I do believe that looks play a part in all of this and honestly I believe myself as quite ugly. All of this didn't deter me from getting extremely infatuated with her, up to the point where she's all I can think about.

We'll have some time next week to be just by ourselves; she hates to trouble others, but she agreed without much fuss to let me accompany her at an important meeting, adding she'd be delighted to have me there.

On one side we have this wonderful friendship, and I'd genuinely hate for it to crumble. We so often joke together and talk about important things and I worry, what if my feelings are exaggerated and they end up ruining everything? Should I just make them quiet down? Of course I am basing all of this on the concept of a sure rejection, but the chance for them not liking me in "that" way is so strong in my head that I am also quite paralyzed.

But then again, a few days ago she re-posted a messenger screenshot in which I appear with a colored heart next to my name, and my brain obviously yeehaw'ed right into over-analysis: wow! a heart!! But.. is it colored because it is secondary, less important to the red one and thus indicating a strictly friendly relationship? Or maybe it's a special color (it does have some meaning for us two, would rather not explain as that'd be too sensible of an information) and thus acquiring the opposite meaning? I guess I would have understood better if other close friends of her appeared in the screenshots, as to gauge whether or not they also had a heart next to their name, but that didn't happen so I'm left with doubt.

Sorry for the rambly mess. Any suggestions and words about how to deal with this are more than welcome.

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[–] Roll_4Initiative@kbin.social 11 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I think approaching this in a level-headed, communicative way is your best option. Steer clear of openly professing your love for them, just ask them if they'd be interested in going on a date. In your shoes, I'd also make it clear that I value their friendship, and if this isn't something they'd be interested in the last thing you want to lose is a good friend. Feelings happen, handling them in mature way when they aren't reciprocated is the key to not burning that bridge. No matter how bad a "no" might hypothetically feel, not knowing and living with that regret will always be worse. On your other notes about how you see yourself, I've been there too. Clothes that fit and a nice haircut can do wonders (not assuming you don't do these things, just putting it here in case). All that aside, you clearly have a lot to offer as someone they enjoy talking to so frequently. Remember that when you ask, confidence can go a long way.

[–] Diaphena@lemmy.world 7 points 1 year ago

I think this is really great advice and the most practical approach. It's really hard to tell from this post if she would be receptive to something romantic. Approaching her by respectfully and openly asking if she would be interested in a date gives her the easiest avenue for declining with minimal weirdness, but also unambiguously opens the door if she is interested in pursuing more. Something without a big lead-in, like "Hey, I really enjoy our friendship, but would you be interested in going on a date with me?" should be easy to put out there in a confident but low-pressure way.

Personally, I would struggle to respond on the spot to a big confession of romantic feelings from a good work friend, especially if I didn't feel anything like that. I can imagine responding much more easily to a direct and respectful question about a date from that friend, regardless of whether I want to accept or decline.

[–] BestBouclettes@lemmy.world 10 points 1 year ago

Based on an experience similar to yours, I can tell you need to be honest with your intentions and feelings (with yourself first and foremost, and with your crush afterwards).
A friendship in which one side wants more than the other is usually not healthy and not viable in the long run. That builds resentment and regret.
Keep in mind that a lot of women are put in uncomfortable positions when faced with a situation like this. It can make them feel used and the longer you wait to be honest with your intentions, the harder the fall will be for both of you.

[–] Calcharger@kbin.social 5 points 1 year ago (1 children)

So I'm a millenial, so we may have generational texting ethics that don't align. But:

If she wakes up before me she always says good morning and ask me how's things.

If she is frequently texting you first thing in the morning, that's a strong indicator of interest. Are there any hints of flirtation in the texts? Or do they stay on the topic of work?

[–] DefenestrableOffense@kbin.social 2 points 1 year ago

I'm a millenial, so we may have generational texting ethics that don't align, but...

Lol I love this. Also, I had the same thought: seems like a BIG sign with flashing arrows.

[–] Tetra@kbin.social 4 points 1 year ago

You talk for hours at night, she goes back to talking to you first thing in the morning, she compliments your looks, puts hearts next to your name... I could just be kind of naive, I'm no expert on love at all, but to me those are all good signs she could be interested.

I'd say ask her out? See some movies together or something, meet each other outside of work, see how that goes. Just hanging out together for starters, I think that'll tell you both all you need to know about how the other feels. No need to rush into romance and dramatic declarations of love, take your time and treasure the friendship first.

From the sound of it, if she does share your feelings the transition will happen all on its own. Don't overthink things too much, at the end of the day if you two enjoy each other's company, just spend more time together.

[–] NetHandle@kbin.social 4 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I'm seeing a lot of people saying take the chance.

At the same time I can't help but think how disappointing it must be as a woman to not be able to have a platonic friendship with a guy without them thinking it's something more or wanting it to be. Maybe she thinks you're just a decent friend. If you take that shot there's a good chance she'll keep her distance in the future.

On the flip side I can't help but think of all the stories of girls flirting with guys who are completely oblivious.

Not enough info to make a good determination, other than life is short and you're young, you can afford to take a risk or two. Personally, I wouldn't but that's cause I'm a coward.

[–] themachine@lemmy.fmhy.ml 2 points 1 year ago

I hear where you’re coming from, but to me it sounds like it’d be a calculated risk. If they go about it respectfully and don’t niceguy that shit then I’d say go for it.

OP I’ll echo what another poster said here though. You know you, so be honest with yourself about your reaction towards this person being distant as a result of them being uncomfortable with you after you shoot your shot. I’d say it’s worth it but if you’re going to take it hard it’s probably best to just maintain the image you have and move along.

But if you’re cool with a no, and cool with a “damn, I thought we were buds I better back off to not lead him on”, then take that shot!

[–] KnockoutKOD@kbin.social 3 points 1 year ago (3 children)

I think the answer is easy. When you get a chance, while you two are alone and in a good mood laughing and just having a great time, ask her if she wants to grab dinner some time. Just that simple statement, in a curious and inviting way, and then if she says no just say “okay, no worries! The offers gonna stay available in case you want to sometime later”. If she says yes, ask what day works best and set a time, tell her you can pick the place and surprise her if she wants. Go from there. Godspeed.

[–] new_acct_who_dis@lemmy.world 1 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

Only follow up with the mention of the offer always being open if you're ok with ending the relationship.

Conventionally attractive women tend to be aware if a guy is faking a friendship while waiting for his "turn"

[–] new_acct_who_dis@lemmy.world 1 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

Oops wrong thread

[–] new_acct_who_dis@lemmy.world 1 points 1 year ago

Only follow up with the mention of the offer always being open if you're ok with ending the relationship.

Conventionally attractive women tend to be aware if a guy is faking a friendship while waiting for his "turn"

[–] CyanPurple@kbin.social 3 points 1 year ago

Honestly just shoot your shot man. If you keep this in, it'll eat you up on the inside. I know from experience it's better to just let your feelings out even if you get rejected. And hey if you don't get rejected congrats on the new possible relationship. Rooting for you!

[–] Lantech@kbin.social 3 points 1 year ago

Shoot your shot or it's just going to eat at you forever. Don't go overboard and crazy with it though.

[–] hanj@kbin.social 3 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I wrote a long comment that got lost. Uh...

TLDR If the feeling is mutual it's about not fumbling the ball more than racing to the finish line. Work on yourself if you aren't proud of who you are. Strengthen friendships, especially mutual ones. Treasure the feeling and be kind to both of you.

[–] misago@kbin.social 2 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I'm sorry about the lost comment :( I definitely agree with you. Time is needed, both to understand if my feelings are actually true or if it's more about a temporary enfatuation. I feel very lucky to have both her and our other friends, so I think this'll go smooth regardless. And truly, being kind to everyone's feelings, me included, is what I need to look upon. Thank you so much!

[–] hanj@kbin.social 2 points 1 year ago

Ah yeah I can't remember everything I wrote. I was a long the lines of what some people are saying, "take it slow". IMO don't bury your feelings or fully expose them.

It's a little paradoxical sometimes. The more important your time is with someone, the slower you go. Because that means you consider it precious. If you just go for it in a way it means you are prepared to lose them. Of course you can wait too long, but as long as day to day is happy and nothing is between you, I hope you can progress in a natural way.

Perhaps you can be honest about your feeling without being forceful. Just show genuine happiness, prioritize time, and your friends can catch on. Then if there is an issue someone can tell you discreetly. And if you let it out slowly you have time as you say, to understand the feelings. And maybe she is also unsure, who knows?

I wish you good luck. I hope you dodge any ugliness and no matter what happens you can look back in years and smile about it.

[–] Ragnell@kbin.social 2 points 1 year ago

Most women respect honesty. If you tell her how you feel now, the two of you can work out whether she feels the same and wants to move forward, or if you two should just keep it light and casual and if you can handle that. If you carry this torch, though, and don't tell her, it's possible you'll get resentful and then she'll be resentful when you tell her, thinking your friendship had ulterior motives.

Get it into the open, and go from there. Maybe she likes you back, maybe she doesn't feel that way but you two can still be friends, maybe it's a crush that'll dissipate quickly.

[–] idone_didit@kbin.social 2 points 1 year ago

So here's what can happen:

  1. You profess your feelings, she professes hers back in kind, hooray!
  2. You profess your feelings, she doesn't feel that way, you stay friends and you have to FULLY give up on your romantic feelings toward her (otherwise it's something that will always be hanging over your friendship [I think this is the hardest option for you]).
  3. You profess your feelings, she doesn't feel that way, it's too hard for her to be friends knowing you'll always want something more and your friendship is gone, you both move on.

I'm definitely missing some more nuance, but these are kind of the broad categories I could come up with. The questions you should ask yourself are: is it worth the risk to act right now? Do I have enough information to make a decision on this? If not, how do I get more information in order to make the best choice?

Also if it's only been in the past couple months you've been growing closer, give it more time. Like several more months. If it continues to develop, you might get all the information you need!

[–] Destructdisc@kbin.social 1 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

Honestly, as someone in a relationship with a person who I thought was solidly, stratospherically "out of my league" at first, I can tell you the concept of "leagues" is wildly inaccurate (even though a part of me is still convinced that she is way out of my league).

Two things matter here:

  1. Your ability to be yourself (or an improved but still faithful version of yourself). Don't pretend to be something you aren't, that isn't going to end well regardless of the possibility of a romantic relationship.
  2. Your ability to accept and get over rejection without affecting your current relationship. You have to be able to be confident enough that if you ask her out and she says no, you can say "hey, no worries, that's cool" and mean it so she doesn't have to worry about you being weird about it subsequently. You also have to be able to accept that if she doesn't reciprocate your feelings, she might be slightly distant and less trusting of you for a little while subsequent to whenever you do ask her out. Do not overreact or overcompensate for this in any way whatsoever. Treat her exactly the way you have been all along, as friends. If you think you can't, step away for however long it takes you to manage your feelings, and be kind the whole way through.

Now that we're clear on that, see how your time together next week goes. If she seems like she genuinely enjoys having you around, ask to hang out again in a more informal situation. Invite her out to something you think she might be interested in. See how that goes. If it consistently goes well a couple of times (for both of you), gently bring up how you feel and tell her you'd like to ask her out on an actual date, and be guided by her response. Judging by what you've told us up there, your chances are already looking pretty good, because she seems to enjoy your company a lot.

Tl;dr -- be yourself, be brave, and most of all, be (genuinely) kind. You'll be all right one way or the other. Good luck!

[–] eltimablo@kbin.social 1 points 1 year ago

I recognize this probably isn't super helpful, but I think you should just go with the flow. Keep going as you have been and see what develops from there. You'll find out soon enough whether she's interested in you in that way or not, and if she's not, you'll have only strengthened the friendship that you value so much. Let it simmer, my dude, no need to rush the sauce.

[–] Arin@kbin.social 1 points 1 year ago

Just take her out on a date, not a romantic date but a fun date.

[–] AttackBunny@kbin.social 0 points 1 year ago (1 children)

It’s kinda hard to say, from info given, what she might be thinking. Has she indicated, in any tangible way, that she’s interested in more than friendship? In my experience, a lot of men think a woman is interested because she’s simply being nice to them, and enjoys a friendship with them.

I know I’ve personally experienced it a bunch of time. I become friends with a guy, we text/chat/occasionally hang out, and then a month later he’s professing his undying love for me, and all I’m left wondering wtf happened (not saying this is you) to make him think that was my intent. I was just being friendly ffs.

Also, having a work/professional relationship makes it even more complicated. Are you peers? Are you higher in the food chain than her?

I guess what I’m asking, in not the most elegant way, does she flirt with you, or show you she’s interested in more than friendship?

[–] misago@kbin.social 1 points 1 year ago (2 children)

Much of what you say hits home and sounds very true! Indeed, I know it might be hard to understand why the mixed feelings. To add more context: she is very timid, so sometimes it's hard to discern if some of her words are filled to the brim with friendly love only, or if there's another type of interest in there. We also recently started to compliment each other about looks, for example, but I am aware that this could simply be close friends breaking certain barriers that would be awkward at earlier stages :) This definitely answer your question though: realistically, there is no clear flirt or interest sign. If she wanted, she could've already showed so.

In truth, using the word delusional might have been a little too strong: I know for a fact that our friendship is 100% genuine, and that is what I cherish the most. All of the compliments I send her way are honest, and I believe my actions to not have second means. If I give her rides it's because I enjoy our talks, enjoy our time together. The friendship is definitely much clearer than any ulterior feeling I am thinking about here. I talked about infatuation, but truly, maybe the main reason for why I worry so much about her and why I care so much is that I didn't feel a bond this pure since years. I am just rambling here, this falls on me to understand, but the points you've brought forth are very valid.

Something I know for sure is that I would hate it for me to spoil the friendship which she is so clearly enjoying.

P.s. there's no work relationship binding us, we simply work close to each other and meet often during work hours. Our "though" professional time being the same time is purely coincidental.

[–] DefenestrableOffense@kbin.social 2 points 1 year ago

I think you already have a good start here:

I know for a fact that our friendship is 100% genuine, and that is what I cherish the most. All of the compliments I send [your] way are honest, and I believe my actions to not have second means. If I give [you] rides it's because I enjoy our talks, enjoy our time together. The friendship is definitely much clearer than any ulterior feeling I am thinking about here.

Then tell her what you want, e.g., "I'd like to see if there's any romantic chemistry between us, can I take you out on an official dinner date?" Considering you two are close already, maybe you can have a deeper conversation about it; tell her your feelings and wants, and ask her what she wants out of a romantic partner (if she even wants one), and if you're in the ballpark of what she's looking for.

Also, I suggest going into this conversation with a relational mindset. You don't want to go into it worrying about what she'll say, or if you'll ruin what you have. You should be interested in what she has to say, and open to whatever she is feeling, and embrace the opportunity to get to know her better, even if you're not going to be in the picture as a romantic partner.

[–] AttackBunny@kbin.social 1 points 1 year ago

Well, that kinda means you have two options.

  1. Accept the friendship, and keep your mouth shut about how you feel, or
  2. Tell her how you feel, and accept how she responds, regardless of whether you like it.

IF you decide to tell her, there is a very real possibility she doesn’t feel the same, and the friendship will change. I know that I’ve felt like “this guy was only “friends” with me to get in my pants” before. I thought they had become a good friend, and then they asked me out after a few months of chatting, and I’m left wondering if it was all an act, or we had something with an ulterior motive.

You could try hinting, but that may not be a definitive way to tell, as it all may be read wrong.

I know I’m totally not helping you, sorry. It’s a very complicated thing, and there would need to be more info on how she is with/around you for any kinda of real suggestion. Like does she touch you, sit close, compliment, etc? Is she naturally like that with everyone?

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