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Am i demanding too much from my boyfriend? (lemmy.world)
submitted 6 days ago* (last edited 6 days ago) by hs123@lemmy.world to c/relationship_advice@lemmy.world
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Hello!

Boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for 3 years in December. We live 1 hour and 30 minutes apart and meet as often as we can, usually that‘s once or twice a week.

My boyfriend has changed a lot this year and it has sent me down a spiral. We barely talk, even if he is home all day. When we do talk, it‘s me doing the talking. He responds to my texts maybe 2-3 hours later which usually wouldn‘t be an issue but i‘ve been with this man for 3 years and he was NEVER like this. He told me that sometimes he just doesn’t feel like responding to me anymore, which again i understand but with everything else it just bugs me. The last time we spent quality time together was maybe a month ago? when we meet we don‘t talk much and we don‘t go outside either because he doesn‘t feel like it. I feel used and i feel like my emotional needs are not being met. I asked him many times if he is okay and what‘s wrong but there is never anything wrong. He doesn‘t seem depressed either. He seems okay with all of this. I am very confused and i communicated my confusion so many times, i feel like my tongue will fall off if i do it again. When we do go outside or when we are in the car, i want to use that opportunity to talk to him because i feel so disconnected from him but he always listens to loud music in his earbuds and it makes me feel like he doesn‘t really want to speak to me anymore. It was my birthday a while back and he had nothing planned, which made me really sad because i planned so much for him. He didn‘t even get me a small cake or a muffin, nothing. He also, and i know this doesn‘t matter but it just upset me, he makes 4x as much money as me because i am a college student with a part-time job and he works full time. I got him a gift over 150 bucks and his gift was maybe 30 max? not even what i wanted and he didn‘t have it ready on my birthday.

2 weeks ago we had an argument. I was at Uni and i had a terrible day and was crying on the train back home and he wasn‘t responding to me the whole day, so i texted my friend and she comforted me and offered to watch a movie online together when i am home. So i did that. My boyfriend was upset that i didn‘t call him when i got home and didn‘t want to speak to him after. I was hurt, because i really was struggling and i don‘t ask for help often but he wasn‘t there even though i know he was on his phone because i kept seeing his reposts.

I really don‘t know what to do anymore. When i try to communicate he really seems like there is no issue at all and he is okay with not speaking to me. He also told me that he is tired from work and can‘t help it but i just don‘t understand. He talks to other friends but having a conversation with me is too much for him.

Does this sound like he doesn‘t love me anymore?

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[–] ShadowFlower@lemm.ee 52 points 6 days ago (1 children)

Im just a person reading a text post but it feels to me like he is trying to get you to breakup with him.

[–] shyguyblue@lemmy.world 10 points 6 days ago

Ugh, as the loser that once tried this tactic, it's a coward move.

But some of us didn't get parents, so conflict resolution was always "I'm the parent and i didn't remember asking you a fucking question!?" (Actual quote from my sperm donor).

So we "win" by going limp and getting the other party frustrated enough to leave us alone...

[–] aubertlone@lemmy.world 38 points 6 days ago

This may not be what you want to hear.

It sounds like he's given up on his relationship but doesn't want to be the one to cut the cord.

One of my friend recently was telling me. He's divorced by the way so take this with that in mind.

Sometimes people stay in relationships because of comfort and it's easier to be in a relationship versus being alone.

IDK I don't know about you and your personal situation.

Hope my take helps but it's your decision to make what to do from here.

[–] unmagical@lemmy.ml 32 points 6 days ago

He told me that sometimes he just doesn't feel like responding to me anymore

People normally like talking and hanging out with people they like. He used to and now he doesn't? Kinda seems like he wants a change but isn't willing to be the one to bring it up.

[–] 1984@lemmy.today 13 points 6 days ago* (last edited 6 days ago) (1 children)

He is tired of you but doesn't have the courage to leave the relationship. Its pretty typical.

If you changed your appearence in the last 3 years and maybe put on extra weight, that could absolutely be a factor too.

He is listening to music to avoid the talk. Because he knows that discussion may tear the relationship apart, and he doesn't want to be alone (just guessing). Or he wants to be alone but is too "nice" to tell you that he wants out. Also the third behavior, to act as if everything is fine, is about avoiding the big talk.

Obviously everything is not fine and you need to have that serious talk, and if you don't get honest answers, you should break up with him.

He could still love you, but could be that he is not attracted to you anymore, and he feels ashamed about that too. I don't know. Just talk.

If he is not going to be honest, you can't fix the problem. You are doing more then your part in trying to understand and fix it. He must too.

[–] hs123@lemmy.world 2 points 6 days ago (1 children)

i look the same. I haven‘t gained or lost any weight. And when i say i try to talk to him when we are out i am not really talking about having a talk about our relationship or anything, i tried that enough. I meant more like connecting. Sharing things and joking, laughing, that kinda stuff because he hasn‘t been sharing things with me anymore and i don‘t really feel like sharing anything with him over the phone. I tried talking so so so so often. We aren‘t getting anywhere and i don‘t want to suffocate him with it

[–] 1984@lemmy.today 2 points 6 days ago

You are right, it could be easier to try and get some kind of a basic connection again, but the problem will still be there... And you will have to figure it out.

But if you use that connection to remember what you like about eachother, it will make that hard conversation easier, unless your boyfriend gets angry and feels trapped and cornered. But I don't see how you can solve anything without talking about what's going on, and sooner rather than later. :)

But it's hard to give advice about this. People are so different and when I read your words, I have imaginary people in my head since I don't know you guys. :) But I wish you luck anyway!

[–] PP_BOY_@lemmy.world 14 points 6 days ago (1 children)

Sounds almost exactly how I treated some of my past partners at the worst of my depression. All of them said in one way or another "you don't seem depressed," too. It's worth noting for you that the symptoms of depression between men and women are pretty different and most popular media projects the "woman" symptoms onto men with depression.

All of them eventually broke up with me and I'd have done the same thing in their shoes.

[–] hs123@lemmy.world 6 points 6 days ago (1 children)

i understand this but he talks to his friends all the time. He will watch movies with them and play games with them, just not with me. sometimes when we call for 20-30 minutes he will be texting his friend back and forth and will respond right away when he lets me wait hours. I have experienced him depressed and i know symptoms change all the time but it was completely different. It seems like IF this is depression, i am the only person he is too depressed to interact with

[–] PP_BOY_@lemmy.world 12 points 6 days ago* (last edited 6 days ago)

am the only person he is too depressed to interact with

I'm just playing devil's advocate here but yeah, that does sound pretty similar to my experience. The closer people were to me, the harder it was to speak with them, open up, etc. I never really found myself having a hard time speaking with my coworkers or random people I'd see, but would go weeks on end sending only a few texts a day to my partner because I knew that they knew that something was up and I didn't want to be confronted. Male-male friendships are a lot more transactional and less personal than female-female friendships. I knew, for the most part, that none of my friends would say anything about how depressed I seemed as long as I filled my role in the group, so it was a lot easier to be around them than my partner.

I could be entirely wrong and am probably being way too sympathetic to your BF and projecting my own past onto the situation, though. No advice on moving forward to you though. I'll say again that I burned through many partners during that decade of my life and don't blame them a bit for it.

[–] BananaTrifleViolin@lemmy.world 11 points 6 days ago* (last edited 6 days ago)

It takes two people to make a relationship work. It sounds like you are making the effort but he has disengaged.

I think you have done everything you can to get him to engage and see your concerns, what you want from him and how to save this relationship.

I think you know you're at a crossroads hence asking for advice.

You have to ask yourself a question: do you enjoy being in this relationship now? Forget about how it used to be, the question is the way the relationship is right now - is this adding to your life, does it make your life better, is it making you happier?

If the answer is no then I think it's time to move on. There is no point wasting time in a relationship that is not going anywhere. You've given him the opportunity to be better, or to share what's going wrong if there is a problem. Now it's time for you to make a decision on what to do next.

Its always hard when a relationship comes to an end, but beware the sunken cost fallacy. Just because you have put lots of time and effort and emotion into this relationship, it doesn't mean it's worthwhile continuing on doing that.

Ultimately there may be someone else for you who can offer you what you want, and would be happy to be with you. So while it's scary ending a relationship, this does open the door to future happiness with someone else.

[–] watson387@sopuli.xyz 12 points 6 days ago

Honestly? If he's not being responsive and just flat-out won't talk about whatever the issue is, you're probably better off just cutting your losses now. Why continue to put yourself through this when he doesn't seem to care?

[–] RBWells@lemmy.world 9 points 6 days ago

I wouldn't go an hour and a half for this. You can't know what's in his head, he may love you but it sure sounds like you know you don't have a relationship you like.

If you were my son or daughter, I'd tell you to just ghost him, stop texting, he's not making any effort so why should you?

[–] 5715@feddit.org 8 points 6 days ago (1 children)

Does he acknowledge that something is different between you than before?

He told me that sometimes he just doesn’t feel like responding to me anymore, which again i understand

What exactly do you understand and why do you understand?

we don‘t talk much and we don‘t go outside either because he doesn‘t feel like it.

I asked him many times if he is okay and what‘s wrong but there is never anything wrong.

i had a terrible day and was crying on the train back home and he wasn‘t responding to me the whole day, so i texted my friend and she comforted me and offered to watch a movie online together when i am home. So i did that. My boyfriend was upset that i didn‘t call him when i got home and didn‘t want to speak to him after. I was hurt, because i really was struggling and i don‘t ask for help often but he wasn‘t there even though i know he was on his phone because i kept seeing his reposts.

Did you and him talk about emotional care, like how when one isn't available or stressed out over something, that it's OK to meet your emotional needs with other people like friends or so? Or what everyone would want or give in an emotional time?

[–] hs123@lemmy.world 2 points 6 days ago (1 children)

He said a few months ago that he doesn‘t know what changed. I promise i tried to talk to him but he gives me nothing to work with. He always just doesn‘t know.

I understand that sometimes people want to scroll on tiktok and don‘t feel like responding when it‘s not that important. Sometimes it‘s not convenient to text back and i understand.

We never talked about anything like that. We also never really had an issue like this. When he needed emotional support i‘d comfort him and the other way around. I was never dissatisfied with what he gave during an emotional time.

[–] 5714@lemmy.dbzer0.com 2 points 6 days ago (1 children)

I hope I don't lean into too much opinion, but I feel like expectations of outreach don't work too well just one-sided, so for example if he expects outreach from you, but you do not get to have the same expectation or face anger from him, that's not based on equal standing.

Labour sometimes creates emptiness (nothing to talk about, head empty) or puts stress into free time, but I feel like that isn't the case here, right?

When you needed emotional support though, you asked your friend for help naturally, so why do you think was he upset at that time?

[–] hs123@lemmy.world 3 points 6 days ago

probably because he was expecting me to text and call him when i got home because that‘s what we have been doing since forever. He stopped, i continued and that day i just really did not want to speak to him after he had ignored me like that for hours. It probably didn‘t have anything to do with me asking my friend for help

[–] recursive_recursion@lemmy.ca 8 points 6 days ago* (last edited 6 days ago)

Personally I don't think that you're asking for too much as relationships should be reciprocal in both love and effort.

Unfortunately it does sound like he's lost interest as they're unwilling in wanting to communicate which is one of the most crucial things in a relationship.

I'm sorry to hear that you've been doing all the hard lifting and that he's unwilling to reciprocate in celebrating your birthday and trying to maintain the relationship.

I'm no romatic relationship expert but my recommendation is to take some time to consider moving on as this doesn't sound healthy nor sustainable.

I'd also recommend in talking more with your friend about this and seeing what they think as they probably know you best.

Whatever path you take, power to you!✊🌻

[–] Entropywins@lemmy.world 4 points 6 days ago

I believe you know the answers to your question.

[–] JoYo@lemmy.ml 4 points 6 days ago

He didn't even get me a small cake or a muffin, nothing.

what a bastard!

[–] poszod@lemmy.world 4 points 6 days ago* (last edited 5 days ago)

Seems pretty clear to me that he doesn't have the courage to break up with you. I see that you're hurting. If you look at it through this lens, his behaviour will start to make sense to you.

[–] whithom@discuss.online 0 points 6 days ago (1 children)

What’s he going through? Closing down is a pretty good sign of depressIon. Perhaps he’s dealing with something that he doesn’t want to share, or feels he cannot share with you (not a bad thing). Bad job? Shitty family? Feelings of hopelessness? Maybe he just needs some space but doesn’t want to bring it up. Alone time is super important.

I think it might help to take a break from your expectations of him. Let him reach out. Find ways to entertain yourself without him for the short term. You could probably use a breather too. Do some things alone that you like to do. Give it some time to reset, and go from there.

I know this is easier said, but don’t worry so much, that rubs off.

Something that helps me a lot is taking a mini vacation. Get a hotel room, visit some museums, try a new restaurant. Do it all alone. DO YOU, I say in a daytime tv voice.

(Also, do shrooms. You’ll thank me later.)

[–] hs123@lemmy.world 1 points 6 days ago

i really don‘t know. From an outside perspective he seems better than ever. He started going to the barber again, has a morning routine, goes to work and has his routine. He seems happy. Of course i have asked him but it‘s always work or he doesn‘t have anything to say. It‘s 8pm in my country rn and we haven‘t spoken yet because he didn‘t have time. He doesn‘t really text me anymore when i don‘t reach out first and then he gets upset at me for not texting or calling him.

I agree with everything you are saying. I am very busy and always out. I do things i like and don’t have too much free time but i always make sure to respond to him and plan him into my day. It‘s just recently that he doesn‘t want to anymore.