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Legitimately how do conservatives even try to defend this
Because the GOP have taken Mitch McConnell's mantra of "if the Democrats are for it, we must speak out against it, no matter what" to ridiculous extremes.
I would make a hyperbolic example about the GOP arguing in favor of murdering puppies and kittens if the Democrats wanted to save them, but they've already argued in favor of forcing 10 year old rape victims to give birth, telling those children they should be happy for the "blessing" they received, murdered schoolchildren being nothing more than the price we pay for a 'free society', and guns being necessary and more important than the safety of our children because they need to shoot prairie dogs. I don't think any hyperbole is necessary.
But this is how we get here. When the default is to be against literally anything the Democrats support, and the answer to the "what if...." questions that follow are to either double down on the extremism and/or just say "ban that too!", this is the only logical outcome.
I think you're underestimating the extent to which they really want these things, or their donors do. These issues aren't new, and many of them either trace back to before the founding of the country, or are proxies for other issues which do. They're just feeling bold these days.