ALT TEXT:
- Panel 1: A person with the text "Singular 'they'" written on them smiling with open arms.
- Panel 2: "Singular 'They'" beaten up by others who said, "Singular they is ungrammatical. It's too confusing," "How can anyone use plural pronouns for singular," and "Every pronoun should only have one purpose."
- Panel 3: "You" hiding from the mob who was beating "Singular 'They'"
- Panel 4: "German 'Sie'" hiding with even more fear next to "You"
Yep. Using "they" and "them" as singular pronouns is actually really common, but in it's (until very recently) common usage, it's usually an indirect singular pronoun, rather than a direct one.
I'm no linguist, so my terms may be a bit off, but when referring to a single person, or multiple people indirectly (without them involved in the conversation directly and/or, not talking directly to them). So for example, Joe went to fix the thing, and someone asks if the thing is being worked on... Yeah, Joe is on it, they will get it fixed.
That's normal.
The pinch for most people, that they can't seem to grasp, is that many seem to believe, whether they consciously realize it or not, that referring to someone as a "they" or a "them" directly is usually considered .... For lack of a better term, rude. In the same vein as calling someone by their name but getting their name wrong. It's impersonal which comes off, in their mind as insulting.
I'll give you an example, Frank just did a stupid. While standing in a group with Joe and Frank, Joe says, "then they decided to do the stupid."
Same with "they did it!" While accusing a singular individual.
The reason people don't like calling someone "they" and "them" is because on some level, they realize that the language is either dismissive or accusatory of the individual in question. Akin to calling someone stupid or using an undesirable nickname for someone, like referring to them by their race, or doing so via a racial slur; this example is a bit extreme, but you get the idea.
There's an absolute fuckload of examples of using they/them as singular pronouns, but people are still uncomfortable with it, often feeling like it's wrong to refer to someone like that without really understanding why; and because they don't understand why, they'll never intellectually move past the taboo of it.
Non-binary people have reclaimed the word as their own, and have asked the rest of us who are comfortable with our gendered pronouns, to use these words as their pronouns. So while it feels wrong/insulting to do it, it's actually insulting not to.
In German, the whole thing is another level worse because we don't have something such as the sigular they, since our 3rd person plural is already a third person singular pronoun too, the female one, so enbies either use custom neopronouns or the third person neutrum, in English that would be "it". And "it" is only used tor refer to objects, animals or monsters usually, so it feels like a whole other level of disrepect. I wish we had something as easy as the singular they. The latter is usually disrespectful but the former is usually dehumanizing and not even used for people you like, but only people you see as subhuman.
If you think gender neutrality in English is bad you should see other languages. Know steward/stewardess? In German almost every single profession is gendered like that. The solutions are constructs such as steward or stewardess, steward/ess, steward*ess, steward:ess (my favourite), stewardEss, steward_ess, the stewarding, and more. They aren't standardised. Oh and did I mention all singular pronouns are gendered, so its actually the steward or the stewardess, the/the(f) steward/-ess, ...?
Not to mention this applies to plural froms too, historyically the male form was used for mixed and all-male groups, and the female one for female-only ones, but in many cases that leads to people only picturing the male version, especially in historically male fields. Same for the singular version when the gender is unspecified. And these versions still dont include nonbinary persons, or those who use neopronouns here. The latter aren't much of a thing here, you are pressed to have anything gender neutral in language.
All of this doesn't improve readability, "Liebe Mitbürger" (fellow citizens) becomes "Liebe Mitbürger und Mitbürgerinnen, und auch alle anderen" (dear citizens and citizens(f), and all the others too); "Der Fahrer bremst sein Fahrzeug" (the driver slows down his vehicle) becomes "Der/Die Fahrer/in bremst sein/ihr Fahrzeug" (the/the(f) driver/ess brakes his/her vehicle); "die Wissenschaftler befrageten Taxi- und Busfahrer. Jede einzelne Teilnehmer" (the scientists surveyed taxi and bus drivers. Every single participant) becomes "die Wissenschaftlerinnen befragten Taxi- und Busfahrerinnen. Jeder einzelne Teilnehmerin" (the scinetistesses surveyed taxi and bus driveresses. Every*(m) single participant*ess).
German schools try to avoid having to write out "Schüler und Schülerinnen" (students and studentesses) by abbreviating it to SuS, but that has its own issues as you can guess, Among Us was very popular here in Germany too, every student knows memes, and often hangs in online spaces. The teacher equivalent would be LuL, they didn't even attempt that one. Can sound funny but is reality here, sadly until a few decades pass at least, if not much more. This is hard to change. And many hang onto the language, I love it too, more than English since its my own I think in still, I read books in etc. This will need a lot of energy to change somewhere reasonable. And it makes texts much longer in German compared to English, as it wasn't egregious enough already, "the vehicle owners" ( as used in legal documents/law ) becomes "Der/Die Kraftfahrzeugeigentümer*innnen " . This is not very readable at all, especially to foreigners, and fucks up submenus in programs as well as a lot of other formatting. We can't even dream of integrating nonbinary people into these expressions too at the moment yet now here, it is insanely compliated to get somewhere.
Its an absolute shitfest. English they/them is a piece of cake against that, and the poeple who still cry that much about it are oversensitive whiny bitches. In Germany they at least have some practical justifications, albeit I think the use outweighs the downsides, but I see some points. I will continue to use these so-called "gendered" expressions, and they are now recommended for scientific publications, but there is a whole culture war about that, and applying it to spoken language is a whole different level. Don't get me started on dialects. The entire issue is so much fucked here - the gender-neutrality is what I love about English. Its one of its big adavantages. Cherish what you have already out there, its not a given. You are lucky for that situation. Be thankful for it. It is a great help.
Wow, that's crazy. I can certainly empathize with you, though I can't really understand how intense that struggle clearly must be.
I don't have much more to say on that, so I'll leave you with my best wishes.